Solomons Choice

I've recently been told that I don't have to work until 1 in the morning anymore, so my late night T.V viewing is about to come to an end. Thank God.

However, last night I was watching a rerun of the last instalment of Channel 4's Bollywood Star.
For anyone who is unaware of this comp, there were a 1000 people who entered hoping to be the one picked to star in a Bollywood film directed by Mahesh Bhatt.

Last night, there were 4 left. Some crap but pretty indian woman, a good looking but cocky indian bloke(Ricky) , a very large indian woman called Rupak(apparently she had put on a huge amount of weight since her mother killed herself 3 years ago) and an English girl called Heidi who doesn't speak Hindi.

The pretty Indian girl couldn't act for shit and was a real troublemaker/prima donna so didn't make it to the last 3.
That left Pretty Boy , fat woman(I'm not being nasty. She just was) and white girl.
You could tell that Ricky thought he had it in the bag.
Of course he thought that. I mean, who did he have to beat.

The final task was an individual interview with the Director.
First one in was Heidi. She did alright but how could she win?
Second in was Ricky. He did well and was convinced that Mahesh liked him.
Finally, Rupak went in.
She said that her mother had told her everything would be OK in a dream (and asked her to stop smoking) and cried for the duration of the interview.

So, who won?
Well, all 3 were called in to find out who was gonna be a big Bollywood star.
They sat on a couch facing Mahesh.
Heidi white face on the left, Ricky I'm Great in the middle and Rupak large lady on the right.
It was already quite exciting as I anticipated Mahesh's anouncement.

But then Mahesh did something really quite odd under the circumstances.
He asked for the person who thought they had won to raise their hand!
Initially there was silence as the 3 of them sat there dumstruck.
Finally though, Rupak put her hand up and said "I think I have won, I don't neccesarily mean this competition, I mean I've won by just being here today. Everybody laughed at me and I've proved them wrong just being here. So yes, I've won".

Mahesh thought for a minute (he was probably trying to prevent his lunch projecting from his mouth) leaned forward and grabbed hold of Rupaks hands.
He said "so you think you've won do you Rupak?"
"Yes" she said.
"Well........... You have".

King Solomon couldn't have made a better choice and he certainly couldn't have improved upon Mahesh's method.

Brilliant T.V.

Computer Moron

AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhH.
Why am i such a computer retard?
They hate me , they hate me, they hate me.
All I wanted to do was translate my Blog to Russian. But oh no, could I do it?
Bollox.
But Thanx X.

Windy Shitty

Last night was my Musical debut. No, I don't play in a band. I went to see Chicago in the big smoke with Super Lisa , Richard and Maurice.
Being a major sport fan, I found it quite difficult to really get into the whole "all that jazz" scene.
It's not that I disliked it. I just don't understand it. It simply does nothing for me.
However, I have decided that if the opportunity arises again in the future that I will go again.
The reason for this is two fold.
1. I don't want to be one of those guys who has nothing to say when the topic of conversation leaves sport.
2. When I first watched football I probably didn't understand that either, but over the years it has slowly entered my bloodstream meaning that I find it hard to imagine my world without it.

So maybe, if I keep at it, I might find myself gagging to see the new Scissor Sisters musical in a few years.
I reserve judgement.

Late night T.V.

I was watching late night T.V recently(again). I was watching a soap opera for the deaf called Switch.
I don't like soaps much, mainly coz they're shit but this one is great.
There is real emotion and passion right thru this show and believe me when I tell you that there is also real suspense while you await to see what the married woman signs to her lover.

On another topic, I was watching Antiques Roadshow t'other night. As a kid I hated this show but it's actually alright. My mate Rich told me once that some Levellers looking bloke walked in with two sacks of crockery, got his stuff valued at about 1 and a half mill, shoved them back in his sacks and walked out again.
My A.R. story isn't quite as good as that.

Some old lady was showing off some painting of an upper class woman holding a dog.
The expert asked "who is the woman in the picture"?
Old lady: She killed my Mums Dog
Expert: What do you mean (Stupid question I know)
Old lady: My mother was walking her dog in Kensington when a horse and cart ran the dog over.
Expert : Oh dear.
Old Lady : Yes, the woman got out of her cart and was very sorry for what had happened. She said that she would compensate my mother.
Expert : Oh, well that was nice of her
Old Lady : Well, not really. She sent my Mum this picture of her holding her own fit and well dog as a present.
Expert : Ha Ha, but she meant well.
Old Lady : But she killed my Mums dog

Hawkesy and Me ( Chez Shed )

The Hawkesy was only open from late April until early October each year. It wasn't worth opening for longer coz there were no Grockles.
It had about 10 bedrooms and so was a very small hotel. This was fine in close season because us kids (Me, Philippa , Hugh , Elizabeth and Harriet) got to choose which room we wanted and
most of them were of a reasonable size and had there own en suite bathroom.
Unfortunately, as soon as we were fully booked, us kids had to bunk in together in one room. Well not all of us.
I got to sleep in the Shed in the garden. This shed contained my bed , a T.V. and two massive freezers.
At night , sleep wasn't easy to come by coz those freezers made the most incredible noise, and if I did manage to count enough sheep I'd invariably be woken up in the middle of the night sweating like a bastard (two freezers chuck out a shit load of heat).
One particular night I remember getting up to go piss in the garden but as I walked to the door I felt something squelch between my toes. I turned on the light and saw to my horror a yellow slug stuck to the bottom of my foot. Ew!
But it wasn't all bad. I got to bring back any woman I wanted and my parents didn't mind.
Yeah, like that was ever gonna happen.

My Best Friend

Watched the double bill of Joey on Sunday night on Channel 5.
Now, I don't know how much C5 paid for this series but despite my initial reservations, it was worth every penny.
I didn't think it was going to be funny at all. In fact, I thought I'd hate it.
How wrong can you be?
It's not as funny as Friends at the moment but it makes me giggle (not like a girl) coz its the same old Joey.
Early on in Friends my fav character was Chandler and having watched a load of the early episodes on DVD lately it seems clear to me that his character carried the show. Without him, their would have been no 2nd Series let alone 10.
However, in the later series, Joey became my clear Fav although I'm still unsure why.
Anyway, watch the new series of Joey. It's not the funniest thing you'll ever see but it does the job.

I Love VD

I love Super Lisa coz she is great.
I love Super Lisa but not Love hate.
I love Super Lisa , coz she loves the Tate.
I love Super Lisa, we were fate.
I love Super Lisa she's my mate.
I love Super Lisa, she's the perfect weight.
I love Super Lisa , I'll be home at 9

Who's idea was that?

Had a day off yesterday.
As usual, I watched Richard and Judy while I awaited the return of Super Lisa.
Now, one of my favourite parts of that show is the infamous You say, We pay.
This quiz is great for two things.
1. The contestants are more stupid than you get on Chris Moyles Car Park Catchphrase(God I love that feature).

2. Richard gets all the answers because Judy is stupid (O.K. maybe her intelligence has diminished with age/alcohol abuse).

Yesterday, Richard and Judy had Tony Blair on the show. While I was thinking about the pros and cons of our PMs appearance on the show, You say We pay began.
I couldn't quite believe my eyes as good ole Tony took Richards place in the guessing chair.
So here we have a stupid contestant, a stupid presenter and Tony all trying to win the contestant some money.
As most of you will probably know, this quiz is piss easy (no really, it is) so I was quite horrified when I saw our PM staring completely blank at the screen not knowing anything and probably not thinking anything either.
It got so bad that Judy (remember she's stupid) had to tell Tony the answers so that he didn't look like an idiot.
Good effort Judy but all you did was make matters worse.
I mean, you know things are bad when Judy knows the answers before you do!

What do you call a Rabbit with a bent dick?

Fucks Funny.

No thanks, I'll pass.

I had yet another 1-1 shift yesterday and without stating the obvious, it's a pretty shitty shift to work.
However, there is one good side to these hours. I get to watch the learning zone and various nature programmes on BBC late at night, which I would otherwise most likely miss.
Last night I was watching some Adventurer bloke hanging out with the forest people of Gabon.
Now, I appreciate that to fully experience a peoples culture, you must first live as they do from day to day and experience everything they do.
Unfortunately, in order for him to be trully recognised by these people, he first had to undergo an initiation.
I've seen many a young jock forced to do some crazy initiation shit in my time at C and A college but quite frankly that was kids play in comparison to this.
This bloke was fed Iboga leaf for a couple of hours (before which he had to sign a waiver in case of death or madness) which is supposed to produce some hallucinegenic trip.
After about 6 hours he suddenly started to vomit some yellow shit. This seemed to go on for ages. At one time he thought he was going to Kark it. It felt like his blood was boiling but the tribe elders kept feeding him these leaves for hours until his gag reflex prevented the consumption of anymore.
The next hours consisted of more vomitting, more leaf consumption and more vomitting until the elders had decided he'd had enough.
At this point, the hallucinations started to kick in. Imagine all your past wrongdoings which you've buried deep in your subconscious coming back to haunt you for hours on end and apparently you're somewhere near the ball park.
Just looking at his eyes told you that he was somewhere else in the Universe as the locals crowded around him and patted him on the head.
He said that in the past year he has thought about that trip everyday and that his "rebirth" was the most profound experience of his life.
As much as I'd like to face some of my demons and become a better man for it, I think I'll pass thanx.

Different Gravy

I'm sorry if I go on about football too much. I can't help it.
Anyway, a good friend of mine sent me this footage. Thankyou David, I've never seen anything like it.
Just sit back and enjoy. http://modifiedliving.com/soccerphenom.htm

Cat T.V.

Just keep clicking on next cat for full catastic effect.http://www.infinitecat.com/infinite/cat-html/1.html.

Hawkesy and Me (Oh Waitress)

This one's tricky. I have to mention these girls coz they were great fun , but I don't want to appear as a perv( I was about 18-20 at the time). I don't want to be perceived as blowing my own trumpet either. It's not like that.
My Dad and step mum used to employ young girls(between 14 and 16) as waitresses. They were mainly friends of my sister (Philippa. You'll probably hear about her at some stage) and I guess they were employed coz it was cheap labour.
Firstly, there was Jane, who was cute in her own way. She had a crush on me for about a year. Finally , she got up the courage to tell me how she felt. What was my reply? "No, sorry. You're too young but you can set me up with your sister if you want". (Yes, I know). Sorry Jane, I behaved like a total ass.
Secondly, there was Sam from next door. She was short and blond and had a killer smile. She never told me herself, but I heard that she also had a thing for me(I've never been made so many cups of coffee in my life).
Next there was Elli. Now I said that Sam had a Killer smile, but I've seen Elli melt men from 40 yards when I worked with her at Sainsbury's. This girl was stunning, but much much too young.
She sent me a note proclaiming her love. Of course, when I approached her with the bad news that she was too young, she denied it.
Finally, and most importantly there was Kate Eilohart(I think I've spelt that right).
This girl was great and out of all the waitresses we had at the hawkesy was the longest serving.
Stupidly intelligent, ridiculously funny and cute as can be. We had alot of laughs and she was responsible for giving me the only slap in the face I've ever had. I drove her mad one day (I can do that) so she hit me, laughed and ran away.
Now, I know she liked me. The problem was, I liked her too. She was about 17 and I was about 21. She also never told me but again I heard from a reliable source.
So, if any of you ladies have read this. Thanx for the laughs and sorry I was such an arse. Hope you are all well. And Kate, you're great.