You know what? I think I probably would !

I am 33 years old and have seen a fair amount of stuff in my time on this planet.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't seen murders and stuff, but I think I've lived my life and experienced a fair amount.

What I'm trying to say is that nothing really surprises me anymore.

Stuff happens in this world, and I just think "Same old Shit, different day".

That came to an end last night while watching TV.

I happened to turn over to BBC1 at about 11pm.

What I saw, quite simply astonished me.

The TV programme was One Life and this particular episode of the series focussed on Old age Pensioner Bodybuilders.

I don't normally like looking at these people coz well, it sort of repulses me (Maybe coz I'm a 7 stone weakling Sinitta).

However, and it is a very big however, one of the people who they interviewed was 86 year old Marjorie Newlin.

She's amazing.

And you know what, despite not normally being attracted to Afro-Carribeans (hope that's P.C.), I probably would.

Prepare to be amazed.

Two heads are better than one.

Firstly, sorry for the ever so slightly distasteful title of this article.

Now then.

I was watching channel 5 on Monday night and saw the programme about Abigail (Abby) and Britanny Lee Hensel from Minnesota.

These two girls are Dicephalic conjoined twins who have two spines, which join at the pelvis, two stomachs and 3 lungs.

They are about two years away from going to University and by all accounts are clever enough to go.

There were so many issues raised in this show that my head span.

What happens when they go for a job?

Does the employer have to hire both, on the same money, doing the same shifts.

And what about love?

Apart from the obvious, they appear to be normal intelligent, reasonably pretty girls.

Like normal girls, they probably have teenage crushes, quite possibly on different guys.

All this is a bit of a minefield.

But this is nothing compared to the big problem.

According to their family doctor, they are fertile.

So, how will this work?

Surely they will have to both fall in love with the same guy because I really cannot see any other way around it.

What sort of guy is gonna be "that guy"?

I'm sure that many people would think that he would have to be some sort of weirdo.
I hope not and don't necessarily think that is true.

What if he loves both those sisters equally?
Does he not deserve a little happiness?

So what if it is twins.

Of course, the big problem will arise if "that guy" and Abby were to have a major falling out and wanted to get divorced.

Where does that leave Brittany?

Anyway, whatever the problems that life will throw at these two, I'm sure they'll deal with it.

Good luck girls.

That's Wells funny

My friend Cath (of the curly variety) sent me this joke.

It's funny.

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into ASDA with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through The entrance. The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to ASDA, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?" The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?" "Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"

10 years younger

Once again, last night, myself and S.L. (that's for Lisa) were watching the box thing in the corner of our lounge.

We watched 10 years younger, which if your (yeah, fuck off Ross) one of the other side of the pond folk, you'll know as a show called "OMG, you look ten years younger ......Dude".

This Channel 4 programme exists because, well quite frankly, we all love to see an old hag get a makeover every once in a while, dont we.

The thing is, this time it was a Yeti like Bloke instead of the usual toothless broad.

They did all the usual shit like, shave his beard and slap on some chateau lafite (wow, I just checked on google. I spelt it right).

They turned a proper neanderthal into some sort of an Adonis ( I know this coz 5 out 5 girls I've spoken to told me so).

I'm sorry, I'm quite drunk at the moment.

This might explain why I have been telling you some boring story about some shit british tv show instead of telling you the real point of this article.

Me, and Super Lisa went to a swanky bar tonight.

On the way in, Super Lisa was asked if she was 18.













Can you tell what the punchline is yet?

Sing when it's midnight , you only sing when it's midnight, sing when it's miiiidnight

Super Lisa - Oh for fuck sake, he's singing again.

Grant - Ha ha ha ha, I love that guy.

S.L. - It's 11:30 , I've got to get up at 6:30 and I can't sleep coz he won't stop singing.

Singing man - La ba de, ba do , do be do be do be, da da, do.

Grant - Why does he sing the same line over and over again, and more to the point, what's he singing?

S.L. - I don't F*****G care what he's singing, I can't sleep.

Singing man - La ba de, ba do , do be do be do be, da da, do.

Grant - It wouldn't be so bad if it was always the same volume.

S.L. - Or regular intervals. Even when he hasn't sung it for a while, I can't sleep coz I'm waiting to hear it.

Singing man - La ba de, ba do , do be do be do be, da da, do.

S.L. - Oh God, i can't sleep, bang on the wall Grant, please, make him stop.

Singing man - La ba de, ba do , do be do be do be, da da, do.

Grant (Mimicking Singing man tuneful voice , rhythm and volume) - Shuuut the fuuuuck uup , we are trying to sleeep!

S.L. - Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha aha

Singing man - La ba de, ba do , do be do be do be, da da, do.

Grant (Mimicking Singing man tuneful voice , rhythm and volume) - Shuuut the fuuuuck uup , we are trying to sleeep!

S.L. - Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha aha

Singing man -

S.L - zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Italian Shower

On Saturday morning, I was surprised to find £12 back in my Betfair account.

It seemed a little odd, so I checked my account to find that 6 of my £2 bets on Serie A (Italian Premiership) had been cancelled.

Of course, my next stop was sportinglife.com to see what the hell was going on.

To my surprise/horror I read that the Italian authorities had decided to ban all football until further notice due to riots that had occurred in Friday nights Sicilian Derby between Catania and Palermo. Apparently, a policeman had died after he was hit by some sort of firework.

Firstly, I'd like to offer my sincere sympathy to the policemans family.

Ok, now that's out of the way, I've got some questions / observations.

1. Hold the phone...
Violence in Sicily (stop)
Dead policeman (stop)
Total over reaction from Italians (stop)
Ma ma mia (stop).

2. Hold the phone....
Italian authorities have used English Football as a success story (stop)
No more violence in English Soccer (stop)
English fans applaud team as they get relegated (stop)
Jolly bad luck old boy (stop)

And that's all I have to say on the matter.

Write to Reply

Dear Grant,

Last night, I was surfing Blogworld when I came across your ridiculous blog.
I was quite disgusted by the horrendous language and repulsive turn of phrase which you use to highlight your pitifully childish life observations.

You are a perfect example of why our great country is in the state it is today. No wonder are prisons are full.

We should bring back National Service, so that you scumbags can learn a bit of respect.

And as for the stupid canine homosexualist game linked to your last article, I have just one thing to say....
"That little doggie is so cute".

Yours,

Nona

P.S. Stop calling me. It's over.