I got me a Chrysler it seats about 20

Sorry Welsh Bob. Your towns name is big( Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch)
but not nearly as big as Krungthepmahanakornamornratanakosinmahintarayutthayamahadilokphopnop- paratrajathaniburiromudomrajaniwesmahasatharnamornphimarnavatarnsathit- sakkattiyavisanukamprasit.

Hawkesy and me

This is essentially for all my friends back home in Christchurch and Bournemouth(none of whom know I have a blog) but I'm hoping that all who read this sympathise and understand my misery.
My Dads hotel has been sold to property developers and will be flattened by the middle of 2005. Although much ridiculed, that place has been my home since the tender age of 14 and has served up both funny and sad moments, all of which will remain in my memory (though faded) until the day I leave this mortal coil.
As I said, I was 14 when my pa (my dad doesn't like me calling him Dad or pa for that matter, but has insisted I call him Daddy. Probably something to do with my grandparents) and my step mother (not an alien) purchased a small hotel in the suburbs of Bournemouth. This place, when we moved in, was trully laughable. It was so bad that it had one of those crap signs. You know, the ones that say "Free beer tomorrow". In addition , the bedrooms looked like they were stuck in a 70's time warp. Oranges and greens covered the walls and the beds rather like an episode of Starsky and Hutch where they meet up with Huggy bear. It was bad , but at least there wasn't a stag beetle nest in the garden whose inhabitants didn't terrorise my little sisters.
After moving in, my dad set about improving this sorry excuse for a hotel. He's no handyman and so it took him forever. However, over the years , he and my step mother transformed this hole of a hotel into a decent place to live and probably a reasonable place to holiday too.
Now, I don't want to go about it anymore coz for the majority of people (everyone except me) it's boring. What I've decided to write about (hopefully it will work in print although I suspect otherwise) are the "best of" moments. It's going to be like a mini series with cliff hangers and everything. So stay tuned for the ride of a lifetime.

Hell(but not)as You know it

What an event. Could it get any better? For those who know about the Greek Cypriot wedding I went to at the weekend don't bother with the rest of this paragraph, for those that didn't know..... Fuck me backwards, those Greeks certainly know how to party.
The day of my mate Georges wedding to the lovely Ndina was supposed to start at 2:45 with a Traditional Greek Wedding service. We got the traditional service alright. It was so traditional that they didn't bother turning up til 3:30. According to the Groom (I can't think of a more appropriate word to describe George) everyone was late coz of a crash on the motorway. Chinny reckon. Those bubbles were drinking that cold coffee shit and playing backgammon whilst explaining to anyone not greek that milk , honey , rubbish , gentleman , football and pie are actually all Greek words.
The wedding ceremony itself was a little odd. It didn't help that it was all in their mother tongue (except for the odd th th th th Chrissy Waddle) so I decided to follow the Greeks lead. Apparently it was all Greek to them too as they were also unaware whether they should stand up or sit down. The ceremony ended with the release of a pitying of doves (that is correct) from a cage outside the church. I'm not quite sure what this is supposed to symbolise but what I do know is that they were FUCKING PIGEONS.
The reception was extremely entertaining. 400 Greeks and 50 Others ate and drank their fill before dancing the night away Greek stylee. At one point all the blokes formed a ring whilst others danced in the middle. I have to admit, I was tempted to go in the middle too but I didn't want them to think that I was taking the piss.
The pinacle of the night was obviously the pinning of wads of cash on the bride and groom. This event was accompanied by traditional Greek music although I did think it would have been more appropriate to hear "baby I've got your money don't you worry" blaring out.
And that was that, all over. Can you believe that the gun holstered little guy who used to cruise around in his white escort with G-style (Yep, that's G-Style) at the top of his windscreen is now married.
Well no, in all honesty I can't believe it. He is Gay , right.