Don't piss in that Dick. You're supposed to wash your arse with it

Had a great time on Saturday night in Wimbledon Village at my mate Richards birthday. I had a strange feeling that it was going to be a good night and sure enough I was right. I mean, what more do you need? Beer , cheesy music and a dirty burger. The highlight of the night for me was my introduction (By Donal of course) to the soon to be infamous "DUCK FACT". I won't go into it now coz I couldn't possibly explain it quite like Donal and I don't want to steel his thunder. Another memory would have to be Wells cackle at 9am on the Sunday morning. I had forgotten quite how much an alcohol headache can hurt. If you want to see photos from this night you press this link. http://www.richardleyland.blogspot.com/ . Er Thankyou.

Araucaria araucana

My good friend Rich has recently asked the question "if a monkey randomly hits the keys of a typewriter for an infinite amount of time, will he eventually type out the complete works of Shakespeare in the correct order". Well , I've asked 4 people at my place of employment. So far the answers have been No , No , maybe and No.
One of the No people actually said that he would price the market up as follows:

Clever Monkey 10000000000000000000000000/1

Retard Monkey 1/1000000000000000000000000

Maybe Monkey You idiots. Surely its a yes or no answer.

I don't know whether this is an adequate test to deduce if any one person understands the concept of infinity but I do know that if your answer is yes to the above question you've got half a chance. If your answer is No , I wonder if you have the ability to spell infinity and if your answer is Maybe, ask yourself this question.... If a human randomly hits the buttons of a typewriter for an infinite amount of time will he ever type out the complete works of Roger Hargreaves in the correct order?

There are currently No Quotes on this market.

Hawkesy and me (Banks a Million)

What a legend this woman was. I know that it is very common in recent years to refer to someone as a legend or Lege but this woman.... What a legend!!!!!!
Twas the summer of 1989 when Millicent Banks (Milli) brightened our lives . She turned up en spec and asked if we had a room for the night. We did. My step mother walked out to the sun lounge to offer Miss Banks a cup of tea. Milli said that this would be nice but that she didn't have any money. My step mother believing that she meant she didn't have any change told her that this wouldn't be a problem. Soon she realised that this woman didn't have any money. She certainly wouldn't be able to pay for the room.
This was the start of a beautiful friendship. We let her stay as she was old and coz she told us that the government would pay. She stayed for 8 years.
Milli was about 70. She had a fur coat, bleached blonde hair and red stilletoes. The classy type.
She regularly heard voices. One day she came down from her room to ask my dad where her cheque was. Apparently the voices had told her that she had won the football pools. She doesn't do them but she was adamant that she was a millionaire.
She also had a tendancy to complain about the state of the teabags. She used to complain that they were "doggy" whatever that means. To combat these unwanted complaints, my dad found a piece of string and tied it around the "doggy" teabag. He then preceded to drag it along behind him (right in front of Milli) saying "walkies". She saw the funny side.
On another occasion my Dad was walking through our dining room at Christmas when he noticed a very ugly/dirty Christmas card on the piano. He curiously took a peak to find that it read. To The Jones Family Wishing you a very Happy Christmas Love Millicent Banks and George De Villier. George De Villier was apparently her fiance who died in World War II.
Unfortunately nobody seems to know where she is now. Maybe she left town or maybe she just died. All I know is the last time we saw her she said that she had to leave the hawkesy because the voices had told her to.
Goodnight Milli, Wherever you are.

Mao Tse Tung , Hu Yaobang and Yuan Yuan

If you go to Faliraki in Rhodes don't have a Chinese meal in the grand looking place on the main Road. The food is shit. No , you don't understand. It's shit. The waitress might tell you that the Chef is Chinese but if he is I'm a Chinaman. Ok , Ok , so what if it is Dutchman.