Daddy or Chips?

X, who's blog I have been reading alot lately thanxs to Kate, got me thinking with his I'm so pretty post. He said that he loved 3 things. Himself, ladies and music.
My passions are slightly simpler. I love ladies and football (narcissism isn't really my bag).
I was once asked the question "If you had to give up sex or football , which one would you choose?".
How the hell can I answer that?
Oh wait a minute. Sometimes (only twice in my life) the beautiful game can be so exhilarating that genuine lovers of the game experience what can only be described as The Football Orgasm.
I know it sounds weird but trust me, it does exist.
Wow, I know the answer now!

My family and other animal.

I'm mad on Cats. I love em, I really do.
As you know from reading my blog, my Dad has sold his little Hotel in Bournemouth to developers (it's going to be flattened) and they are moving (actually they've gone already) to Barton on Sea.
They are taking our cat (Inky) with them who has never known anywhere but the hotel. He's extremely Fat (coz my step mum feeds him lard and cheese) and nobody really loves him except me. Unfortunately, because of University and now living in a flat in Hampshire I don't get a chance to see him much.

My Mum has been really worried recently about my cat. She was under the strange impression that my dad would have him put down (to prevent this, she suggested inky go live with her).
Of course, I assured her that my Dad wouldn't do that (i'm not even sure a vet would do it).
I thought that would be the end of it, but she's mentioned it several times in the past couple of months and seems genuinely concerned. She said to Lisa, "you don't know grants dad like I do".

So my question is this, if it turns out that my cat Inky is no longer with us, how long should I refuse to talk to him. I'm thinking 5 years is a reasonable sentence.
Lisa said that this was probably harsh and that I should just not talk to him while I am still angry.
If that was the sentence, it would be a cold day in Hell before we would converse again.
Am I being unreasonable (after all, they feed and give Inky shelter- not me) or would he deserve a stiffer sentence?

Don't give up the day job!

My mate from home, Pat Hellyer, texted me yesterday with the good news that he is now a Father. Little Sophie was born on 25th and both her and Mum(Sam) are fine.
When I heard that Sam was pregnant all those months ago I was driven to write a Limerick about it.
It went as follows;
There was a young woman called Sam
Who wanted to fill her new pram
She loved my mate Pat
Who some called the Hat
So put in the pram a Bam Bam.

Anyway, Congratulations Pat and Sam.

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na FLAGMAN

Loxias recently wrote a nice thing about my Blog. Thanx Loxias.
When I clicked on the link, I noticed that his hobbies included Flags (aswell as breathing, eating, sleeping and walking).
As you have probably guessed, I know quite a lot about those pretty colourful banners. Show me a flag and I'll tell you what country it comes from and probably what it means.
Once again, my tragic passions are on display, but thats Ok coz I like Flags. I'm not afraid to admit it and now I know I'm not alone.
Sadly, not everyone agrees with me and Loxias (you do like flags don't you Loxias). In fact, Super Lisa, who as some of you may know is my girlfriend, used to sing the title of this Blog to me down the phone. But she went further, continuing with two other verses ending with Mapman (I love maps too) and finally Sadman.
Now, I'm a reasonably happy go lucky kinda fellow, who rarely takes offence at anything mean that might be said to me, so I took it in good humour.
And then I declared my undying love for her.
Now I'm not sad at all.
How bizarre!

Ladies and Gentlemen

I give you BEZ
http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/celebrity/21572004.htm

First the worst, second the best, third the one with the HAIRY CHEST!

Got an e-mail yesterday from an ole friend o mine. His name is Billy Bowkett (Well, his name is matt actually) and I knew him back in my Crewe and Alsager days.
I haven't heard from him in like 10 years, although I had heard of him. Anyway, he's getting married in a couple of months and has a daughter.
This e-mail got my memory going.
Me, my room mate Leyton hospital Graham and Matt were kinda inseperable for at least the first year at Crewe.
The reason for this Blog title is as follows: We used to play this stupid and endlessly childish game on the way back from dinner.
We had a set of double doors in our halls which led to our corridor.
The game was to avoid being the third person to walk thru the doors coz of course this would mean that you had a hairy chest (Not Good). If Graham was the last one to walk thru the doors, myself and matt would spend the next 20 minutes or so Saying "Chest, Cheeeeest" and pointing at him. I don't mind telling you that this was actually fun and the chest person of the day was genuinely pissed off (Yes you were Matt and Graham).
Before you all stop being my friends I'd just like to say that Crewe and Alsager was extremely boring which meant we had to make our own entertainment. Although this was probably the most tragic of entertainment, there were many other sadnesses which we indulged in. Suffice to say, we never seemed to stop laughing.
Matt and Graham and anybody else from C and A who might be reading this. Hope to meet up with you soon.

Have Fun

This is for all you footy fans.http://www.slapthemanager.com/ nad if you don't like football you'll probably enjoy it anyway.

Hawkesy and Me (Oh God, I'm so dead Part 3)

For the last Hawkesy party I was determined to have all bases covered.
From early Feb I sketched and numbered every piece of furniture and all ornaments. No room which would be used for the big event would be neglected. I had decided (in my wisdom/arrogance/stupidity) to allow my friends to invite whoever they wanted.
The party was to take place on the Sunday night as my parents weren't leaving for Cornwall until Saturday afternoon. The first indication that things were getting out of hand was the Saturday afternoon before the big night. I was taking my tea break at Sainsbury's when a member of staff who I barely new asked me if I was going to some party. I played dumb (I'm good at that) and asked where it was. She showed me her perfectly drawn map.
It was alright though coz I worked with her.
Anyway, I got home that evening and started the furniture/ornament exodus. My mate darren http://www.stevewinnington.co.uk/chchtkd/images/korea/parkhaeman.gif (the lad on the right of the photo) was gonna be my main little helper.
It took all night and all Sunday morning for us to move everything, get the curtains down and bring the old carpet down from the roof. Twas a major op.
At about 8:00 people started arriving and it was soon quite obvious that word had got around extremely well.
By about 10:30 there were about 150 people in my house and I only new about 50 of them.
Old inky, Plump Jim(I hope he doesn't mind being called that after so much time) and Darren were doormen, the bar was erm locked and my mate Steves CD player was blazing out tunes from the early 90's.
It was all good despite a slight problem kicking some guy called Blue out the door.
People were coming and people were going. No real problems.
At about 1:00 a.m it went wrong, horribly wrong.
A friend from school had been in the down stairs toilet for like an hour. She was just wrecked on more alcohol than her body could handle and had her head down the toilet.
I don't really know what happened except to say that I heard hysterical shouting.
Somebody had got the bottle of bleach, which I had forgotten to remove, and poured it over this girls head. She was probably so pissed that she thought it was water until it started to burn.
We carried her upstairs to the bathroom and called the ambulance. Meanwhile, somebody had broken into the bar and stripped it bare.
The ambulance came pretty quick and took her to A and E.
In the panic, nobody had realised that the music had stopped. (Steves CD player had been TWOCed along with countless CD's).
Of course, when you call an Ambulance, the police are also alerted.
Most of the people had gone by this time so it didn't take long for the police to ask if anyone had seen anything (Of course few people had, and those who had denied everything).
And that was it. My parents returned the following weekend. I admitted I'd had a party but that was about all I was prepared to reveal until C.I.D. came round.
My school friend had to be treated at the local burns hospital and was cruelly nicknamed go faster stripes for a while.
No charges were ever pressed on the wanker that bleached her coz nobody new anything.
Myself and close friends coughed up the cash to restock my parents bar.
What the police couldn't understand was why , when it was such a roudy party, was nothing broken.
Apart from the G.B.H. the stolen alcohol and CD player everything was perfect.

Who said Life was boring?

Just before Xmas I was watching some series on Channel 4 about E.T's and false reality etc. As anyone who knows me will tell you... I love that shit. Anyway, on the last edition, they described something called the game of life http://www.math.com/students/wonders/life/life.html which was created by some guy in order to add a mathematical slant to mirror life itself. Of course I don't really understand it although the rules are quite basic.
Try writing your name on the grid and see low long it takes for your name to die out. Go on try it, it's fun

Army of Lovers (What a band)

I've heard some rubbish in my time but when I heard that the U.S military nearly O.K'd the development of a bomb which would make members of the enemy army desperately attracted to each other, I thought Hmmm surely this will just make the men dance better and wash more often. Of course we all know that would have made them more easy to see or smell.
(I know it's sweeping but from my experience true)

Family misfortunes

A friend of mine sent me a link for stupid Family Fortunes answers.http://www.businessballs.com. (Sorry, Richard showed me how to do links but lets face it, i'm no good). Anyway, where was I, oh yes thats right Family Misfits. Have a look at them. They are funny. My personal favourite is A famous Dick... "Carrot".
I also recommend you click on the link at the bottom of the page, the letters to Islington Housing department. You know what they are trying to say(well most of the time) but bless em all, they're clueless numpties.

O Brother How old art thou ?

My brother Hugh is 20ish today. He's much taller and better looking than me. Oh and he's also more intelligent. He obviously originates from a superior gene pool.
Happy Birthday Hugh!

Hawkesy and me (Oh God, I'm so dead. Part 1 and 2)

Every year before the Grockle season started, my parents would go on holiday for a week. They would take the other much smaller Jones' to deepest darkest Cornwall and leave their responsible eldest son in charge of their castle.
Each time their parting words would be "now you're not going to have a party are you".
My reply was always "not after last year, I've learned my lesson".
Whether they believed me or not did not concern me. I had an opportunity to shoot my street cred (yes we did use this word back then) into space, so what's a guy to do.
There were 3 Hawkesy parties in total which got progressively worse. The first was quite a small affair. About 15 of my friends attended. There was plenty of alcohol but no Narcotics. We were 17 and in all honesty it wasn't exactly a riot. Digestives were thrown at ornaments on the telly and some of my younger sisters Dollies lost their heads but thats about it. Fortunately my parents came back early and prevented any real damage from being done.
The second stepped up a gear or two. About 35 attended this one.There was the Morris dancing incident where my friends Pat and Leigh wrapped toilet roll round their heads(kicking a whole in the wall in the process), Jezzer and Neil in a tutu, a broken window from Nigels fair hand (He doesn't know his own strength), more broken ornaments and opportunities for my couple friends to have a good sex session in the privacy of their own room.
Unfortunately a couple of my friends got hold of the baby alarm. Can you guess what happened next? Thats right, those sick bastards took delight in listening to the Leigh and Jo live sex show. I wasn't quite so perverted and besides you couldn't hear jack shit anyway.
There was other shit that went on but I can't remember a whole lot. Oh, I did briefly come to when someone tried to set the curtains on fire.
As I said, these two parties weren't too bad in the great scheme of things , but as they say, the worst was yet to come.

Circa Mansize

Finally some good news. Our local Chinese takeaway supplied us good people (not all bookies are nasty cheating scumbags) at Stan James with a extremely tasteful Chinese calender. Apparently, I was born in the year of the Ox (1973). According to Confucius' mates I am Intelligent (Check) , self-confident , (not sure about that) a born leader (yeah right) who inspires others (hmm maybe on a good day). Even better, my girlfriend Lisa is compatible with me. She was born in 1977 and is a snake.