Hawkesy and me (Oh God, I'm so dead. Part 1 and 2)

Every year before the Grockle season started, my parents would go on holiday for a week. They would take the other much smaller Jones' to deepest darkest Cornwall and leave their responsible eldest son in charge of their castle.
Each time their parting words would be "now you're not going to have a party are you".
My reply was always "not after last year, I've learned my lesson".
Whether they believed me or not did not concern me. I had an opportunity to shoot my street cred (yes we did use this word back then) into space, so what's a guy to do.
There were 3 Hawkesy parties in total which got progressively worse. The first was quite a small affair. About 15 of my friends attended. There was plenty of alcohol but no Narcotics. We were 17 and in all honesty it wasn't exactly a riot. Digestives were thrown at ornaments on the telly and some of my younger sisters Dollies lost their heads but thats about it. Fortunately my parents came back early and prevented any real damage from being done.
The second stepped up a gear or two. About 35 attended this one.There was the Morris dancing incident where my friends Pat and Leigh wrapped toilet roll round their heads(kicking a whole in the wall in the process), Jezzer and Neil in a tutu, a broken window from Nigels fair hand (He doesn't know his own strength), more broken ornaments and opportunities for my couple friends to have a good sex session in the privacy of their own room.
Unfortunately a couple of my friends got hold of the baby alarm. Can you guess what happened next? Thats right, those sick bastards took delight in listening to the Leigh and Jo live sex show. I wasn't quite so perverted and besides you couldn't hear jack shit anyway.
There was other shit that went on but I can't remember a whole lot. Oh, I did briefly come to when someone tried to set the curtains on fire.
As I said, these two parties weren't too bad in the great scheme of things , but as they say, the worst was yet to come.