yeah right

Testing 123

2011-06-29T11:05:00.000-07:00

I was clearly born in the wrong century coz having set up this new blog last Sunday, I've been going round in circles trying to work out how to post a new article, so please bare with I.T. moron.

The End

2010-02-10T16:19:00.000-08:00

Broken

2009-12-08T17:22:00.000-08:00

Today is the day that I confirmed to SuperLisa that our 8 year 10 month relationship is over.

I wish things were different.

I hope we can still be friends.

You know what? I think I probably would !

2007-02-28T05:23:00.000-08:00

I am 33 years old and have seen a fair amount of stuff in my time on this planet.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't seen murders and stuff, but I think I've lived my life and experienced a fair amount.

What I'm trying to say is that nothing really surprises me anymore.

Stuff happens in this world, and I just think "Same old Shit, different day".

That came to an end last night while watching TV.

I happened to turn over to BBC1 at about 11pm.

What I saw, quite simply astonished me.

The TV programme was One Life and this particular episode of the series focussed on Old age Pensioner Bodybuilders.

I don't normally like looking at these people coz well, it sort of repulses me (Maybe coz I'm a 7 stone weakling Sinitta).

However, and it is a very big however, one of the people who they interviewed was 86 year old Marjorie Newlin.

She's amazing.

And you know what, despite not normally being attracted to Afro-Carribeans (hope that's P.C.), I probably would.

Prepare to be amazed.

Two heads are better than one.

2007-02-21T11:00:00.000-08:00

Firstly, sorry for the ever so slightly distasteful title of this article.

Now then.

I was watching channel 5 on Monday night and saw the programme about Abigail (Abby) and Britanny Lee Hensel from Minnesota.

These two girls are Dicephalic conjoined twins who have two spines, which join at the pelvis, two stomachs and 3 lungs.

They are about two years away from going to University and by all accounts are clever enough to go.

There were so many issues raised in this show that my head span.

What happens when they go for a job?

Does the employer have to hire both, on the same money, doing the same shifts.

And what about love?

Apart from the obvious, they appear to be normal intelligent, reasonably pretty girls.

Like normal girls, they probably have teenage crushes, quite possibly on different guys.

All this is a bit of a minefield.

But this is nothing compared to the big problem.

According to their family doctor, they are fertile.

So, how will this work?

Surely they will have to both fall in love with the same guy because I really cannot see any other way around it.

What sort of guy is gonna be "that guy"?

I'm sure that many people would think that he would have to be some sort of weirdo.
I hope not and don't necessarily think that is true.

What if he loves both those sisters equally?
Does he not deserve a little happiness?

So what if it is twins.

Of course, the big problem will arise if "that guy" and Abby were to have a major falling out and wanted to get divorced.

Where does that leave Brittany?

Anyway, whatever the problems that life will throw at these two, I'm sure they'll deal with it.

Good luck girls.

That's Wells funny

2007-02-16T08:31:00.000-08:00

My friend Cath (of the curly variety) sent me this joke.

It's funny.

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into ASDA with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through The entrance. The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to ASDA, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?" The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?" "Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"

10 years younger

2007-02-09T17:11:00.000-08:00

Once again, last night, myself and S.L. (that's for Lisa) were watching the box thing in the corner of our lounge.

We watched 10 years younger, which if your (yeah, fuck off Ross) one of the other side of the pond folk, you'll know as a show called "OMG, you look ten years younger ......Dude".

This Channel 4 programme exists because, well quite frankly, we all love to see an old hag get a makeover every once in a while, dont we.

The thing is, this time it was a Yeti like Bloke instead of the usual toothless broad.

They did all the usual shit like, shave his beard and slap on some chateau lafite (wow, I just checked on google. I spelt it right).

They turned a proper neanderthal into some sort of an Adonis ( I know this coz 5 out 5 girls I've spoken to told me so).

I'm sorry, I'm quite drunk at the moment.

This might explain why I have been telling you some boring story about some shit british tv show instead of telling you the real point of this article.

Me, and Super Lisa went to a swanky bar tonight.

On the way in, Super Lisa was asked if she was 18.

Can you tell what the punchline is yet?

Sing when it's midnight , you only sing when it's midnight, sing when it's miiiidnight

2007-02-06T04:46:00.000-08:00

Super Lisa - Oh for fuck sake, he's singing again.

Grant - Ha ha ha ha, I love that guy.

S.L. - It's 11:30 , I've got to get up at 6:30 and I can't sleep coz he won't stop singing.

Singing man - La ba de, ba do , do be do be do be, da da, do.

Grant - Why does he sing the same line over and over again, and more to the point, what's he singing?

S.L. - I don't F*****G care what he's singing, I can't sleep.

Singing man - La ba de, ba do , do be do be do be, da da, do.

Grant - It wouldn't be so bad if it was always the same volume.

S.L. - Or regular intervals. Even when he hasn't sung it for a while, I can't sleep coz I'm waiting to hear it.

Singing man - La ba de, ba do , do be do be do be, da da, do.

S.L. - Oh God, i can't sleep, bang on the wall Grant, please, make him stop.

Singing man - La ba de, ba do , do be do be do be, da da, do.

Grant (Mimicking Singing man tuneful voice , rhythm and volume) - Shuuut the fuuuuck uup , we are trying to sleeep!

S.L. - Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha aha

Singing man - La ba de, ba do , do be do be do be, da da, do.

Grant (Mimicking Singing man tuneful voice , rhythm and volume) - Shuuut the fuuuuck uup , we are trying to sleeep!

S.L. - Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha aha

Singing man -

S.L - zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Italian Shower

2007-02-05T03:59:00.000-08:00

On Saturday morning, I was surprised to find £12 back in my Betfair account.

It seemed a little odd, so I checked my account to find that 6 of my £2 bets on Serie A (Italian Premiership) had been cancelled.

Of course, my next stop was sportinglife.com to see what the hell was going on.

To my surprise/horror I read that the Italian authorities had decided to ban all football until further notice due to riots that had occurred in Friday nights Sicilian Derby between Catania and Palermo. Apparently, a policeman had died after he was hit by some sort of firework.

Firstly, I'd like to offer my sincere sympathy to the policemans family.

Ok, now that's out of the way, I've got some questions / observations.

1. Hold the phone...
Violence in Sicily (stop)
Dead policeman (stop)
Total over reaction from Italians (stop)
Ma ma mia (stop).

2. Hold the phone....
Italian authorities have used English Football as a success story (stop)
No more violence in English Soccer (stop)
English fans applaud team as they get relegated (stop)
Jolly bad luck old boy (stop)

And that's all I have to say on the matter.

Write to Reply

2007-02-02T01:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Grant,

Last night, I was surfing Blogworld when I came across your ridiculous blog.
I was quite disgusted by the horrendous language and repulsive turn of phrase which you use to highlight your pitifully childish life observations.

You are a perfect example of why our great country is in the state it is today. No wonder are prisons are full.

We should bring back National Service, so that you scumbags can learn a bit of respect.

And as for the stupid canine homosexualist game linked to your last article, I have just one thing to say....
"That little doggie is so cute".

Yours,

Nona

P.S. Stop calling me. It's over.

The Dogs B****x

2007-01-29T08:21:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine sent me this game.

I've decided to give you the opportunity to play it coz life is all about making your pup look good.

Oh, thanks to Richard for showing me how to link sites again.

Dude. Check out the tits on him?

2007-01-24T04:33:00.000-08:00

Last night I watched some show on Channel 4 called "Bet you £50 that you watch this" or something like that.

The show was presented and written by some Sikh guy who was, by his own admission, a chronic gambler.

He decided to take £7000 of his own money and try to make a mint from playing different stuff like casinos, dogs , nags, betting exchanges etc. You know the deal.

Anyways, he went to Vegas to meet some guy who was infamous for taking and indulging in crazy bets.

A few years previous, this bloke had bet an aquaintance of his $100000 that he could get as much / more attention as the blokes girlfriend (who apparently had more than enough up top) if he was to get breast implants himself.

Of course, the proof is in the pudding. So Sikh guy told the Bloke to "show him the money" so to speak.

Now, I'm a hardened late night TV spectator (due to the long bookmaker hours I used to work) but I gotta say, this was too much for even me.

This bloke had a lovely pert set of breasts which, in all honesty, got me a little aroused.

Is that weird?

OK, so it didn't really get me aroused, the opposite in fact.

My question is simple.

What are you doing, you crazy yank? and do you have a girlfriend / boyfriend? coz I do know a couple of people who would very much like to.......

6 year Anniversary

2007-01-19T02:20:00.000-08:00

Today / Tomorrow is mine and Super Lisa's 6 year anniversary (You got that already didn't you?) depending on whether you go by the 24 hour clock or consider a day isn't over until you go to bed.

Last night, she said, oh baby I feel so down, when you turn me off (Wait, hold up, those are Strokes lyrics, not my girlfriends words).

So, last night she said "We get on pretty well, don't we"?

Truth is, I can't imagine getting on better with anyone I've ever known.

Most of you know S.L. so I'll keep this praise to a minimum.

1. She's Kind
2. She's thoughtful
3. She's humorous (Not as much as me but then, who is?)
4. She's extremely intelligent (Some might argue, too clever for a Terry Fuckwit like me)
5. She is Hot Hot Hot.
6. She puts up with my shit, which is possibly the most important factor of all.

Tonight, I'm taking her to see a whacky spanish movie, followed by dinner at a french restaurant in Hove.
The evening will be finished off with drinks and a few games of pool.

Now, I did want to take her to see an adult pantomime called "Jack and his big stalk" but alas couldn't get tickets so the whacky spanish movie will have to do.

To conclude this entry I've composed a little song.

Ahem,

"I love Lisa, coz she makes a good Pizza,
She makes me feel happy, when I seem a little snappy,
She's hotter than the sun and never ending fun,
She kills me with a kiss so I'm in a state of Bliss,
She makes me laugh, and is ace at pool
She gladly suffers Grant the fool.

Happy Anni darling.

6 years has been a breeze.

Undignified at best

2007-01-18T07:57:00.000-08:00

As you know, I work for an Insurance company near Brighton.

Well recently, our company moved to Brighton itself and as a result I no longer need my car (Vagelis).

He's an old war horse who never gives me any trouble and costs just a few hundred quid in MOT's and Services each year.

That's what you get for driving a Volvo people.

So anyway, back to the main point of this entry.

Because I live in Hove, I have decided that I'm gonna roller blade into work each day.

Me and Super Lisa got the blades last Xmas and have used them only a few times on Brighton Prom mainly coz, well we're both shite at it.

Apparently (according to my skater boy friend Mark. Careful!) I haven't sorted out my core stability yet.

It took me about 40 mins to skate to work on Monday (walking would take 45 mins), during which time I nearly fell over 4 times and got laughed at by a load of workmen (In fairness, if I was them, I think I'd have been a little more cutting than they were).

On the way home, I began to feel the roller rhythm (yes, that is how you spell rhythm).

I was, quite frankly, flying down the prom on me skates feeling kinda good about myself when the inevitable happened.

A raised paving slab was my nemesis and boy wonder crashed headlong/ face first under a truck.

So, there we have it. I died on 15/1/07.

My tombstone will read , coz I'm gonna have a tomb.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time"

Sorry Donal, I died first and now it'll just look like you stole my line". Ha

The water in Majorca don't taste quite what it oughta

2007-01-15T06:55:00.000-08:00

Had a right touch at the weekend (that's punter talk for a very nice win thankyou very much).

Some idiot was offering 170/1 for Half time Seville, Full Time Real Mallorca in the Spanish Primera Liga.

As normal I had £2 at that price.

Seville scored a penalty in the first half and went into the break 1-0 to the good.

In the 2nd Half, Mallorca scored twice and ran out 2-1 winners.

I laid off about £24 of my profit but still ran out £300 better off.

If only I had the balls, I'd turn professional.

Thankyou Mallorca, that's the 2nd time you've done the biz for me.

I probably owe you a visit for summer hols.

Dancing Dude not Dancing Queen

2007-01-10T06:52:00.000-08:00

I missed the football last night.

Liverpool 3 : 6 Arsenal

Are you fucking kidding me?

I missed the football because some guy, who me and Super Lisa met down the pub just before Xmas, dragged us to dance classes.

Yes, that's right, DANCE CLASSES.

For a while now (about 5 years to be precise) S.L. has been trying to get me to dance classes so that we can learn the Tango or "Romantic Dancing" as she calls it.

Being a total Sport loving Hetero, I have always resisted this sort of pastime coz lets face it, it's just Gay.

So, anyway. Last night me, S.L. and N.K.O.T.B. went to our 1st class.

8:00 - 8:30 David Bowies (Absolute Beginners, Ha Ha)

8:30 - 9:00 Freestyle (Dance with whoever you like, but not the girl with the sweaty palms or the Freak of nature girl who scouls at you when you do it wrong).

9:00 - 9:30 Intermediate Classes for Non Bowies and Extra Jones classes for Bowies in the small back room with a small young guy who is quite a nervous type.

9:30 - 10:00 Freestyle

10:00 - 10:30 Fuck that, i'm off down the pub to drink beer, play pool and be a man.

To be perfectly fair, it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd imagined, although it helps when you pick it up
quickly like I did (No really, I was actually quite good).

In short, this dude can dance like Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman (Yes, I know he was blind but he could Tango better than anyone I've ever seen).

As for the question, will I go back again?

No way, it's Champions League on Tuesdays.

Scooby Scooby Don't

2007-01-09T02:21:00.000-08:00

I am sad to announce the death of yet another great Cartoonist.

Iwao Takamoto (the creator of Scooby Doo) died yesterday at the age of 81.

This comes just a month after the death of another Legendary cartoonist, Joseph Barbera, who was the creator of Captain Caveman (What was that cartoon all about) amongst many others.

Scooby Doo got his name from a line in an old Frank Sinatra track entitled Strangers in the Night which contained the phrase Dooby Do (Not a lot o'people know that).

Damn, if it's that easy to make a shite load o' money, maybe I should create a cartoon called Mr Eynamiteeee Dormouse or Puss your paws up in Detroit (Wow, that really is a Car toon).

One question remains though.

Are myself and my friends still allowed to play Scooby Doo at a Saturday night after party or will we have to start playing Homer J (I am smokin today) Simpson from now on.

Who knows and who cares?

Blah, blah blah, blah blah.

Tatic and Citing

2007-01-05T06:58:00.000-08:00

A fellow blogger who I know only as X is now with a girl called Terri.

Now I know I fell outa love with Blogworld a while back and have missed a lot in the last year but fuckin WOW.

I say WOW, maybe it should be more like wow.

I kinda knew she was his Trinity and probably he knew it too.

Anyways, congrats X and sorry I'm way behind the times.

Because he's worth it!

2007-01-03T10:34:00.000-08:00

Myself and Super Lisa sat down to watch This Life + 10 yesterday evening just like so many other late 20's early 30's did.

I thought it was splendabulous coz following two fantastic series with a 1 hour 20 min show 9 years later must have been a tall order.

I liked the way they managed to interweve current popular music (The Killers and Kaiser Chiefs) into the background of the scenes aswell as reminding us of the haunting melodies of Portishead (Circa 1997) in the old series.

Of course, this small slot could never match the memories we have of the show all those years ago, but I think that the characters remained pretty much the same.

Egg was a wet dreamer.
Warren was confused but pretending not to be.
Milly was a crazy ass, hormonal bunny boiler type.
Anna was psychologically and physically on her own.

and Miles was still a total middle class Tory Wanker.

Of course, they all looked a little older...... Wait a minute, no they didn't.

Andrew Lincoln doesn't seem to have aged one day. Has he invented some sort of This Life time machine?

I'd like to say that I hope I look as good as him at his age but I already am his age and look old enough to be his Dad.

What's your secret Andrew?

Now some of my friends back home in Sunny Bournemouth are probably thinking or most likely shouting at the screen right now (you know who you are Leigh and Darren).

They'll be shouting something like "you're so fucking gay Jones".

Well, I do dance like a big gay bear when i've had a couple of red bulls, but A.L. is not really my type.

That honour has to be reserved for pretty boy Depp.

Keira Knightley, KEIRA FUCKING KNIGHTLEY i said.
Pheww.

Ok, where was I, oh yes Andrew Lincoln and This Life.

So, in conclusion, where the Fuck was Ferdy? He was probably in more episodes than Warren was.

Why weren't you there?

You were as much an integral part as the other 5.

Anyway, thanks for the effort, and despite what was said in That Life, the after show how we made this documentary documentary, it has brought some much needed closure for me.

Great days.

Y'aright me duck. What does t' P stand for?

2007-01-02T04:37:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year blog pickers.

This year, just as last , myself and my University pals spent New Years Eve in a small village in Derbyshire.

It was fancy dress in the Red Lion and those in costume got their first drink on the house.

Me and Super Lisa decided to improvise this year (last year we went as Zorro and Cleopatra) as we're tight ass bastards who don't like paying out £30 - £40 on a costume that you'll likely vomit and piss on.

I originally wanted to go as Flavour Flav (Public Enemy) as even I can make a stupid hat and clock out of cardboard.

It didn't happen though, coz Super Lisa said it was her idea (piffle) .

Instead, she had the quite brilliant idea of going as Salt and Pepper.

Now, both of us are total whiteos so we thought it would be really clever, and ever so slightly humorous to go dressed as Salt and Pepper Pots (Oh fuck off, I know it's shit but we're not exactly Cannon and Ball ya know).

I wore all Black with a white P on my chest and a stupid black pepper grinder hat (Thanks for making it S.L.) and Super Lisa wore all white and a Big black S on her back.

Problem was, Lisa spent quite a lot of the night sat down and so after the white face paint had rubbed off, she just looked like a girl who likes wearing white clothes.

Consequently, nobody knew which Superhero / Pop star I was most of the time and all night I got the feeling that blokes were labelling me with other less worthy P words.

So, that was my New Year in a nutshell.

Oh, except that I got beaten up by Superman just coz I called him a spineless Cunt.

P.S.S. Best costume of the night (Hands Down) was the tall bloke dressed in drag.
When asked whether he had come as Pete Burns, Tranny annie replied "Nur Duck, A'm Avril Lavigne" (He was totally serious).

Icke Turner

2006-12-27T04:48:00.000-08:00

Watched a TV programme on Channel 5 last night.

It was about the legend that is David Icke.

Myself, like many others in this country, believed that he was stark raving mad when we saw such newspaper headlines as "I am the son of God" and "I am no longer the son of God, I am now a snow plough".

Don't misunderstand me, he probably is a little loco but I tried to watch the 1 hour TV show with an open mind last night.

I think it is a bit of a leap of faith to believe that David Icke predicted Hurricane Katrina, 9/11 and the Iraq war but it does appear that his general beliefs and "prophecies" do have a certain Soothsaying quality.

Surprisingly, or not, I did agree with many of his general beliefs.

Police State........Yes
Bullshit Media.......Yes
Hidden Agendas.......Yes
Sleeping populations....Yes
Our planet run by Reptiles.......maybe.

This guy has about 600000 hits on his website every week (I think) and has written 16 books which have been translated into 8 different languages.

Now, I don't really read books coz they bore me (I do have a pretty low attention span/boredom threshold), but I might read a couple now (OK, probably not).

I would like to see him speak though, coz I want to know more than the hour segment last night.

So David, if you read this (Yeah right) I'd love to have a beer or two with you sometime.

I do have many, many questions which I need to ask.

So, when you're ready, come find me.

You know where I am.

And David, was that a can of Super Tennents I saw you drinking last night?
Dude, that stuff is nasty.

Veiled Threat

2006-10-24T05:30:00.000-07:00

Myself and Super Lisa watched Dispatches debate on Channel 4 on Monday night.

The question which was being debated was something like "Are Muslims enemies of Freedom of Speech"?

Now, as some of you will know, the one thing in this world which makes my blood boil is racism.

Let me clarify this for a moment.

I don't mean jokes, words or phrases which highlight the physical and cultural differences between our races like us calling the Chinese Slitty eyes (they do have) and the Chinese calling us Round eyes (so do we).

I mean racism in its truest most revolting sense.

Malicious, violent, degrading and often inhuman.

Coming back to the point, it seems that one of the major barriers (although there are many) between Islam and the Western World is Freedom of Speech.

I don't believe many people would disagree that one of the cornerstones of Democracy is the ability to speak out for what you believe in. It is an essential right which promotes debate and increases understanding.

There are many great people , statesmen, academics and philosophers who have made some profound statements over the centuries but to me, nobody comes closer than Voltaire who said something like "I hate what you say, but I die for your right to say it". (Please tell me if I'm wrong coz sometimes I do get stuff mixed up, Thanks).

The problem is, I am of the opininon that the west takes this Freedom of Speech Philosophy far to literally and an inevitable consequence of this quest is the huge offence we regularly cause The Muslims of our British and World Society.

Muslims also believe in freedom of speech (I think) but believe that certain areas are exempt (Such as Mohammed as a suicide bomber) . I'm not Muslim, but even I understand why this would be perceived to be Sacreligious.

The two arguments are almost polar and it is therefore almost impossible to come to a compromise.

Now obviously, by the end of the show, opinion had changed somewhat. I guess that's mainly because Mr Khan the lawyer is so good.

I just can't believe that it all has to be spealt out to us like we are 4 year olds (I love Denzil in that Movie).

Yes, freedom of speech is a fundamental principle of democracy and yes we need to hold onto it.

Muslims aren't against this. They just don't like their firmly held beliefs insulted.

This shouldn't be so difficult to understand as in everyday life we constantly modify our behaviour to suit our surroundings (See the works of Sigmund Freud , I think).

If you didn't, you would just embarass the people around you with the things you wanted to say.

It's something you learned when you were a nipper. Don't embarass your parents!

Life is about compromise but when it comes to "Freedom of Speech" there is little from the West on this issue

So, thats all. Sorry but I just had to get it off my chest.

Goodnight U.K. , wherever you are.

Farewell Paul

2006-10-10T04:36:00.000-07:00

As you all probably saw in the news today, Paul Hunter the well known snooker player died at the age of 27 from stomach cancer.

He was a truly great player on his day and added great excitement and charisma to snooker.

From the outset of his diagnosis, it didn't look promising for Paul but despite this he showed tremendous strength of character to play twice in the World champs at the crucible.

I enjoyed watching him play and will miss his prescence.

It is a sad day for snooker.

Come on, Aisleyne t roo ra ray.

2006-08-15T05:21:00.000-07:00

Ever since the World Cup finished about a month ago, I have been focussing my TV attentions on Big Brother.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not an avid addict like some of the other losers out there.

It passes the time, and freak watching has always been a bit of a hobby of mine.

We have been treated to many freaks this year, and I have enjoyed the majority of it all.

My Fav is Aisleyne.

I just think she is awesome.

Not going to go into why on this post but suffice to say, if I was the only judge, she'd win hands down.

Problem is, I thought she had a really bad press until today.

That is until , I went to oddschecker to see who the 2nd fav was (Pete is obviously the Fav. Please see Michael Caines speach in Miss Congeniality) and to my astonishment , Aisleyne has been heavily backed into as short as 3/1.

So, if anyone reads this blog (I know its only you Glammer, thanks for that) vote for the gamma girl (I know everyone else calls them wiggas, but I'm from the south coast).

She as they say, is the Tits!

Laugh, I nearly shat myself.

2006-07-26T08:05:00.000-07:00

My friend from my old place of work sent me an e-mail with a number of gags.

The following totally floated my boat.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Thanks Debbie, you haven't half brightened up my day.

Swindon Town

2006-07-24T05:53:00.000-07:00

I had last week off with SuperLisa.

We didn't have much money coz we're still trying to sell our flat.

As a consequence, we did some cheap stuff in the local area.

One of these, ventures was an afternoon Mackeral Fishing.

Now, I'm no vegetarian but my God, it really was a horror show.

Not for one minute did I think what nasty shit would happen if I actually caught a fish.

I caught 5.

Sorry little fellars but you did taste good.

I just can't stand it

2006-07-11T04:47:00.000-07:00

I hate racism with a passion.

It's about the only thing in this world which will provoke an outburst, or tirade if you will, from an otherwise pretty laiser faire guy.

I understand that players try to wind each other up on the field so that there performance diminishes.

Although my Dad didn't play at any sort of level, he was one of the masters. Always bending the rules to suit his defending end.

If it is true that Materazzi said what the lip readers are saying he said, then I hope he is deeply ashamed for the rest of his sorry life.

Zidane is no Angel, that's for sure.

A human being desperately attempting to live up to his God like status has on some occassions fallen foul of other slurs on his ethnic background and his consequential inability to control his explosive temper.

As we all know, it happened again last Sunday in the Greatest Show on Earth (Sorry Olympics, in my humble, you are a comendable 2nd only).

At the time of the incident, I sat on my couch in my Brighton flat and told SuperLisa that I thought he was and "Idiot" for doing what he did.

That opinion has not changed.

Zidane has tarnished his name and I'm sorry for him. I truly am.

He was a fool for acting as he did and given his reluctance to acknowknowledge the hoards of french who gathered to greet their so near heroes, he possibly knows it too.

I'm a passive Englishman and, as a result would (I hope) never react in the way that ZZ did.

Thing is, he was brought up in the desperately poor areas of Marseille and his DNA is very different to mine too.

I cannot condone his reaction but given the racial provocation, the fact that his mother had been taken seriously ill before the game and the terorrist insinuations of Materazzi (If true), I am quite sure that there are 100s of thousands of decent people in this world, which under those circumstances would sadly act in a equivalent way.

Fairwell Zidane. It's been a pleasure

I say , I say, I say

2006-07-10T04:58:00.000-07:00

What did the Italian footballer say to the French God of football?

Nice Butt?

Two things,

1. Zidane deserves to be sent off for what he did. No question, no debate.

2. If the reason for him being sent off is true (the 4th official saw the replay on the TV) he cannot be sent off.
There is no use of replay under FIFA regulations.

The decision to send him off is as unbelievable as Zidanes actions.

Well played Italy, hopefully now you have laid the penalty hoodoo to rest.

Two Violins, A Viola and a Cello Please

2006-07-03T05:44:00.000-07:00

Oh Zinedine, why are you going to quit the beautiful game at the end of this World Cup?

You have so much to offer and so much to teach your english counterparts.

If Gerrard, Lampard and Cole had 10% of your ability I'd love them too.

Your first touch is exquisite and your spatial awareness better than Diegos.

Terry Venables knows the game better than most so when he said that there needs to be music playing everytime you have the ball at your feet, it echoed my thoughts exactly.

A Zidane comes around about every 20 years.

You are the last true playmaker (OK, OK, Deco isn't bad, but he's no Zidane)

If your team do beat Portugal on Wednesday, please, I implore you, do not get booked.

If you missed the final it would be a Travesty.

Play on Zizu, Play on.

DVD Hell

2006-06-06T05:41:00.000-07:00

As the title suggests, I'm in DVD recorder hell.

I bought this thing for the sole purpose of watching the whole of the world cup.

It's got timeslip so I can get in from work, press play and watch every game.

Can I get the damn thing to work?

No, Technology Moron Mans superpower ensures that he can never work out new technology and always has to ask for help.

I thing I'm driving SuperLisa mad with my inability to control my usually non existent temper.

The phrase "Computer says no" seems to encompass all technology evils.

It's like watching my life

2006-05-26T17:21:00.000-07:00

I watched The Trueman Show again tonight.

I remember when I was at The University of Greenwich all those years ago.

I spose it was like 1996 (ooh, 10 year ago now) and I was sitting on the couch with the usual friends in 25 Aragon.

I told all of my friends that I believed that those bastards who produced the Trueman Show had stolen my idea, not so much my idea, more my belief.

Back then, I had believed for quite a while that either I was being analysed and that everyone around me was in on it or that some of us were being analysed and some of us were in on it.

Now I know that Mary Jane had a huge influence on my psyche ((not sure how to spell psychee) please see Hello dolly)) in those days, but to be fair, I'd had that feeling way before we were introduced.

Right now, I guess things are different. I haven't thought about the T.S. phenomenon for time now.

I don't know if I still think this way.

It's just that, I dunno, I can't quite believe that nobody is watching.

There are no falling satelites, no finger crossing wives and definitely (always thought definitely had an A in it until Wendy's ice breakers) no long lost fathers.

Maybe its my Ego.

Perhaps Echobelly were right, Everybody's got one.

Skuse my ramblings but it's late. I'm one finger typing and Alan Cohol has no intention of leaving the building till Super Lisa wakes from her post working week slumber.

Anyways, on a more real note. The World cup starts in 13.5 days.

I've waited for this moment for 4 years.

Guess what, first my video and now my 1980's T.V. go bye bye.

Great timing, particularly as my pot is already full off piss.

Things never change..........

Two things

2006-04-27T05:24:00.000-07:00

1. It's my birthday tomorrow. I'll be 33.
2. West Ham in the cup final. First time since 1980 when I was 7 years old. They'll be tears if we win and tears if we don't.

Actually it's 3 things

3. Still looking for another job. It's tough down Brighton. Every fucker is applying for the same job. How I long to be entertained!

Printer Boy R.I.P.

2006-03-07T05:31:00.000-08:00

No I'm not dead.

It's just that my work have decided to employ a temp to do my job.

Apparently, it's a waste or resources for me to be dealing with the output.

I take their point coz it is a valid one.

Problem is, from what I can gather, it's the only job which I can do at this place without becoming so bored I want to die.

So, what do I do?

I know I can't do this job 4ever coz I'd seriously mentally regress.

What I need is a jobe (you see, it's started already) which stimulates my mind at the same time as paying the bills. Oh, and I don't wanna work evenings or weekends.

This might be difficult to find in Brighton.

I suppose I could go back to Uni and lecture but I need a vacancy to arise in Brighton, Sussex, Chi, or Portsmouth.

What to do? What to do?

Maybe I could go on the game.

I've heard that people down here pay good money for Jimmy Sommerville look-a-likes.

Problem is, I'm more Moby than Jimmy.

D'Oh

2006-02-23T05:42:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, just sometimes, Bookmakers can be really stupid.

Many Bookmakers take bets on who is going to be the next manager of say Liverpool, for example.

To me and my previous employer (Hello to all you Stan James People) this really is not a good idea.

There will always be someone with some inside information who will make a killing on this sort of market.

So when I read that Paddy Power paid out a large amount of money on the "Will Wembley Stadium be ready for the F.A. Cup final" market I laughed a deep and hearty laugh.

Not that funny in the great scheme of things, I grant you.

But when you read that P.P. took many hefty wagers in their North London shops from men in Yellow Hard Hats that the stadium would not be ready in time, you would have to be 6ft under for the old solar plexus not to wiggle a tad.

Thankyou P.P for brightening up my day.

No, thanks for brightening up my week.

Man I love my new job.

Speakeasy, you broke the habit of a lifetime.

2006-02-15T00:55:00.000-08:00

I simply can't believe it and yet just 4 years ago I stood on the bank of the thames with SL and said that I thought there would be a world wide smoking ban within 50 years.

It's not gonna be that long me thinks.

So that's it. No more smokey bars, pubs or nightclubs.
No more paying extortionate prices for fags from a machine in a bar and remembering you only get 16 anyways.

No more sneaking a cheeky smoke from some guy down your local when you are supposed to have quit.

No more beer in your right hand and ciggie in your left.

No more being told not to smoke within 5ft of the bar.

No more post coital smoking after a quickie in the Lavs.

No more having to relight you fag when someone walking past has inadvertantly knocked your cherry off.

No more having to re stub out your fag in the ash tray when your first attempt resulted in a small trail of smoke which makes a bee line for you eyes.

No more smoking Liam Gallagher stylee to show all and sundry that your a rude boy or cool.

No more giving away fags to a total stranger when you don't really want to.

No more putting your fag on the side of the pool table when you take a shot.

There are plenty more no doubt, but this got boring about 20 no mores ago.

How's it gonna work then?

Is there gonna be a mass exodus from pubs and clubs in England by disgruntled smerkers (Nice one bowkett) ? Evidence from around the world suggests not.

Will there be undercover police bursting into your toilet cubicle to issue you a £50 fine.

Will there be bouncers on every door of every club searching you for fags and confiscating them for there own use. ( You know they do that).

Are you going to be able to hire bong type devices from the bar, so that you can get round the ban and get your nicotine fix?

How many police man hours will be spent enforcing this legislation?

Will bars and clubs around the country be applying for Royal Palace status (apparently, if you beleive the daily mail, the palace of westminster where the MP's frequent is exempt from the ban coz of it's royal palace status) just so there clientelle don't fuck off home or down the park?

Will most pubs have to designate there beer garden to an open air smoking zone. Would that even be aloud?
What the fuck does confined space mean anyway?

Will the government legalise narcotics so that all ex smokers are so spaced out they don't think about smoking anyway?

Will smokers smoke all the way up to next summers deadline or will people give up in there 10's of thousands this winter?

Should we all be buying shares in outside electrical heaters?

Will die hard smokers (Could that phrase be any funnier?) start Globetrotting around our planet looking for countries where the ban is not law yet (Err yeah, could you tell me how much a one way ticket to Belize is? Oh, where is Belize? oh never mind, is doesn't matter anyway.)

How can a Billion chinese people be wrong?

Will fights kick off at the taxi ranks and kebab houses coz beer boys are nicotine starved?

Will it be the end of ex smokers telling you that you ought to quit, it's gonna kill you, it's a disgusting habit and how they feel so much better since they stopped. (Does quitting smoking somehow fuck your memory aswell?)

Will thousands of Trebor and Wrigleys factory workers lose there jobs?

Who knows what the future holds for the Tobacco companies either? Hope they are OK.

Having dealt with the no mores and the wills, who's and where's, I think it's about time I told you really what I think (I'm not that bothered if you want to hear it).

I'm guessing that the law as it stands will probably fail coz it's just going to be too difficult to enforce.

I think it's likely that our government will have to repeal the law ( Not sure if that's the correct terminology).

It will probably end up with certain bars and clubs allowing smokers.
If you don't want to die of a smoking related affliction, don't go.

If you want to keep smoking your body to ash, do so, but know that it's probably going to be one of the worst decisions you make.

All us smokers now have an opportunity which we simply should't pass up despite the uncertain times we are about to face.

One thing is for sure though, if we are to believe the stats on smoking and the illnesses they lead to (I do, despite the argument that there is no proof for cause and effect), the passing of this law will undoubtedly result in fewer people dying and getting ill.

It has to be a good thing coz lets be honest, smoking is as stoopid as it gets.
In a couple of hundred years time humans (if we haven't fucked ourselves and our planet by then) will look back on this time in history and seriously question whether there was something wrong with our DNA.

Problem is, once you've tasted the sweet fruit it's damn difficult to ignore it.

Let's make a baby (As seen on T.V.)

2006-02-08T05:21:00.000-08:00

Great show Danny?
Reality T.V. is alive and kicking even if it was a spoof.

Highlights included:
The guy who thought that he was the one who was gonna be pregnant and the Irish T.V. station rep who had to explain that it was unlikely that a Catholic country would take too kindly to a reality show where the main theme was a race between couples to see who could get pregnant first.

However, I'm not sure if that concept is worse than Who's your Daddy (Actually on U.S. Tele unless that was a gag aswell).

Encore Danny, Encore!

Tits unbelievable

2006-02-02T05:44:00.000-08:00

Me and super lisa watched that show about breast feeding last night.

If you didn't see it, it was about mothers who breast feed longer than the norm.

There was one woman who was still breastfeeding her daughter at nearly 8.

Dunno about you, but I think thats fucking freaky.

There was also a bunch of slappers in Blackburn (Ok, they might not have been slappers but they were northern) who went on a crusade getting there baps out in Tescos and Dottie P's just to make a point.

Funny as that is, the real funny part came when they interviewed some of the locals about their opinions.

One of the guys was this bloke who looked like he wouldn't look out of place sitting on a park bench with a can of Super Tennants in his hand.

He said "I think its wrong, there are a lot of perverts around. They might get the wrong idea. Ya know Paedofiddlier".

Not sure if his tongue was in his cheek or not.

Me and superlisa gonna start using it though.

All hail Blackburn Comedy genius coz you just can't write that shit.

The day the Musical died

2006-01-30T05:11:00.000-08:00

Went to see "We will rock you" in the big smoke at the weekend.

I'm sure everyone knows that I don't like musicals but this one took the piss.

It was shit from start to finish. The storyline was pitiful, they changed some of the lyrics of the songs and the lead female character kept cracking the same old anti male gags.

If I had paid for the ticket, I would have wanted to go back stage and give Ben Elton the money in person.

Don't ever watch it. It's insulting

But there was one good bit.
Gonna have to set the scene first though.

The musical is about a futuristic time when all musical instruments are banned. The only access to music is computer generated synthesised pop. The establishment are rounding up rebels who attempt to play and condemning them to death.

The music police caught Brian May and condemned him to death.
When asked if he had any last wish , Brian replied "I want to play one last guitar solo".

He played for 3 and a half days.

Here's to the next 50.

2006-01-19T05:24:00.000-08:00

Me and Super Lisa have been together for 5 years tomorrow. It's been a pleasure coz she's kinda laid back like me and we sort of like the same stuff.

Actually, that's not entirely true.

For me football is king.

For superlisa old buildings is King.

No matter, I hope I speak for us both when I say that we are happy with our relationship and it's got even easier since I started working normal hours.

So Happy Anni Gf. May there be another 50 years in us at least.

Fuck off you homeless , vandallising , drunk Fucks.

2006-01-09T05:51:00.000-08:00

I love Brighton coz there is so much to do and the City is really multi cultural too.

Unfortunately , in our rush to secure a flat , me and super lisa committed the carnal sin of renting in a bad area of town.

It is full of drunks and many mornings they leave a little vomit pool or two just outside our door.

As much as I feel copious amounts of pity for them (don't know if that's what they are after or not) I hate it when they fuck my shit up.

This morning when I awoke, SuperLisa called me from her car. Some fucker had tried to leaver her passenger door open to get inside.

Although they didn't manage to get into her car and steel her extremely expensive radio/ cassette player , they did manage to properly fuck her door.

Fuck off , Fuck off and Fuck off some more. I'm sick of your shit.

P.S. Hope you find somewhere to stay tonight coz it's cold out there. No really, I do and it is.

Ethics, what ethics? It's great T.V. man!

2006-01-05T05:25:00.000-08:00

Last night myself and SuperLisa sat down to watch "The Heist".

It was a show conceived in the mind of Derren Brown (A very dark place indeed).

They put an advert in local newspapers looking for people to take part in a Motivational Techniques seminar.

All the people who applied were whittled down to about 12 people (probably via apptitude and other such tests).

The select few were then told that the seminar would be conducted by Mr Brown himself at a plush Hotel.

Over a few days, Derren implanted ideas and controlling strategies into these peoples heads in order to get these law abiding citizens to commit armed robbery.

He did the usual stuff like having an annoying security guard on the door of the hotel , a painting of the green Security van that would be used and getting these decent people to walk into a shop a steel sweets and stuff.

At one point in the show he set up the old 1960's Milgram obedience/compliance/conformity experiment (you know, the one where Milgram put the subjects in a room with just a scientist looking man in a white coat, who told the subjects to administer increasingly powerful electric shocks to a man next door if he got answers to questions wrong. Of course the man next door was just acting but the subjects didn't know that.

According to Mr Brown , as in Milgrams experiment conducted decades previously, 50% of the subjects kept administering electric shocks to the man next door up to the maximum of 450 volts despite hearing the cries of pain, just because the man in the white coat told them to continue with the experiment.

3 things about this part of the show,

1. One of the girls was so traumatised by what she had done (after being told that it was just to see how far they would go) that she had to have a special session with Derren (I bet she did Derren).

2. One of the lads was complaining to the man in the white suit that there should be higher voltage switches (yes, higher than 450 volts) after he had reached the max. W.L.T.M.

3. How the fuck did Channel 4 get ethical approval for this?

It seems a bit daft but having whittled down the 12 contestants to just 4 (those who Derren thought would be most impressionable) he and his team set up the 4 (on an individual basis) in a scenario where the opportunity had arisen to rob a security guard with a toy gun in a deserted London street.

Astonishingly 3 out of the 4 robbed the guard with the gun and ran down the street with the cash.

It just goes to show how incredibly fucking weak we all are.

Authoritarians say.

We do.

That's it. All through history it's the same.

I know all about the Nazi Nuremberg trials when the judge famously said "every immoral Law must be disobeyed" (or something to that effect).
Sounds easy doesn't it?

Don't get me wrong.

I agree with this philosophy.

I just think that it might get a little harder to make that call with a gun held to your head.

I mean, How the fuck are we expected to live up to the high moral standards which we have created for ourselves when a man such as Derren Brown and Joe public in a white coat can get us to do unspeakable acts.

Humans are pathetic.

I am human.

Who's the Daddy 2?

2006-01-04T05:35:00.000-08:00

This time his name is Leigh Haywood. Another friend of mine from my home town. I think he had a daughter too.
Aaaah, how sweet it is that all my friends are becoming parents.
The question is, am I ready yet?

Yeah, right!

I'm a bookmaker, get me out of here!

2005-12-15T05:12:00.000-08:00

I've been working for ALICo for 7 days 4 hours and 2 minutes now.

I love the hours coz in comparison to S.J. it's like working 1/2 days. The travel is good too (10 miles as opposed to 45).

That's where it stops.

I'm sure the job will get better in time, but at the moment it is a little tedious to say the least.

What price will you give me that I'm still working here this time next year?

Oh, and if you're reading this Paul, watch a couple of Nag and Dog races for me.

How I miss them.

Dreamin of a white Christmas

2005-11-29T07:01:00.000-08:00

My mate Danny Robins (well actually he's a schoolfriend of Richards but we're on first name terms so...) called me at work today to ask me if I'd appear on his radio 1 show on Friday morn.

My task was to give him an idea what the appropriate prices would be for the songs he played, to be Xmas number 1 this year (grammatical crap but no bother).

He played me The Crazy frog, Nizlopi (the JCB song), Cold Play and his own novelty record called Winterval.

I kinda got caught on the hop coz although he called me 30 mins earlier to prepare, a busy afternoon at S.J. meant very little homework.

I just hope I don't sound like the idiot I am although I usually sound like a pre-pubescent boy on the phone so perhaps I would prefer to sound like a twat.

For some reason, I adopted a Fluff Freeman not arf kinda voice for the interview.

I just couldn't help it.

Anyway, the show goes out on Friday Morning from 3:00 a.m. so if you wanna here an ex bookie talkin shop tune in.

Oh, and the bit where Danny asks me "if the crazy frog was a horse where would it finish?" and I answered "Still running", I wanted to say "it will still be running boxing day danny".

What can I say, I froze, it being my radio debut and all.

Please God, don't let Moyles get hold of it.

Double Vision

2005-11-28T10:17:00.000-08:00

Do you prefer the bloke on the left or the gal on the right?

Yeah, I know they're no beauties but being a hetro, I like the gal on the right.

Now step back from your P.C./ laptop and look again. Go on, try it.

Urghh. Who's the guy on the right.

He's so not my type.

Bizarre twist of fate

2005-11-24T06:00:00.000-08:00

I know I won't be the only person to be writing a blog article on George Best today, but as I'm a football obsessive I feel it is my duty to chuck in my two pence worth.

My Dad (he who is responsible for my terrible affliction) believes that George Best was the greatest football player ever.

Although I don't agree, (1st Diego, 2nd Zidane, 3rd Ronaldinho) it has to be said that he was one of the most incredibly skillful players ever to have graced a football pitch.

Sadly, I only have one real life memory of the Great G.B.

Myself and my Dad went to see the last professional match he ever played in at Dean Court (A.F.C. Bournemouth).

All I remember is the Kick-off and the following 10 seconds.

Bournemouth Kicked off and rolled the ball back to George who was standing on the edge of the Centre Circle. George stood on the ball...... and fell over.

There then followed a roar of laughter which seemed to last about 5 minutes.

True, he was a washed up superstar and yes he very probably was pissed at the time.

No matter, I saw him live and although I can't remember anything about the game (except the aforementioned horror show) I'm proud to have seen the great man live.

On any other day I probably wouldn't type any more.

However, today is different.

My work colleague (Millers is his name) pointed out the incredible irony of it all.

George Best died the day after the UK started 24 hour drinking.

Goodbye George, perhaps now you'll be able to play football with Cloughie in Clouds

Who's the Daddy?

2005-11-23T11:06:00.000-08:00

The answer is Darren (My Bestest mate from back home in sunny Bournemouth).

He is now the proud father of a little girl.

She was born today at 17:33 and weighed in at 7lb and 7oz.

Ma and bab doing very well thankyou.

Aaaaah, my best mate is a daddy.

Goodbye My Love

2005-11-18T10:48:00.000-08:00

Finally, finally I've got a job near Brighton.

It is a good job coz I'll be working for the tenth biggest company in the world.

I'll be working as a Customer Services Advisor and doing a bit of warm selling aswell.

No, it's not the sort of job I wanna do for the rest of my days. Au contraire mes amies.

The point is, it gets me down to Brighton so that me and super lisa can have normal lives again.

When I'm there I can look for a job which will fill my heart with joy. Something sporty no doubt.

Of course, I've had to take a huge paycut (somewhere in the region of £9000) but at least I've still got my dignity.

My first day at my new place of employment will be Monday 5th December which means that my last day at Stan James will be Friday 2nd December.

So this is it. My great bookmaking romance is no more.

It's been a long kiss goodnight (I love that movie. I mean how good is Samuel L Jackson and how Sassy does Geena Davies look when she changes into assasin bleach hair hard bitch?).

It took me a while to make the decision, and now I've made it, I feel relieved.

So thankyou Stan James. You've given me a fantastic schooling in the art (and it is an art) of gambling.

So, as the sun sets slowly in the west I bid a fond farewell.

Pension Smension

2005-11-10T12:00:00.000-08:00

So I didn't get the job working for the stinky Pension Regulator in Brighton.

Apparently, I didn't have the experience to be a front line Pensions Regulator telephonist/Customer Services type person.

I didn't want that stupid job anyway.

So, I'm still looking and I'm still applying to everything that pays £18000+.

A few of my friends have suggested I become a rent boy and if thinks continue like this, my girlfriend will be paying my rent.

Billy Goats Snuff

2005-11-04T10:03:00.000-08:00

Some of you may have heard of this phenomenon but it was new to me.

Laugh, I nearly shat myself.

So, for all you people who have never seen this before, just sit back and enjoy.

You won't regret it!

Wish me Luck

2005-10-30T10:04:00.000-08:00

I've got a job interview at this place on Tuesday at 2:00p.m. Yes Yes, I know it's a bit different to the bookmaking industry and sounds incredibly boring but it's not. Really, it actually sounds quite interesting.

Oh, alright. It's a means for me to get to Brighton a.s.a.p.

But anyway, I need all your best lucky charm type things so any advice or words of encouragement will be gratefully received.

I'm sorry but I just don't have time at the moment

2005-10-25T14:32:00.000-07:00

This is just a brief post to apologise for my lack of blogging lately.

As you know, from my previous posts I'm moving to Brighton.
Before I can do that, I need to find a job.

As a result, pretty much every spare minute I have at work I'm searching searching searching.

So blog will have to go on back burner for a while.

Don't worry, I will be back.

I know you'd all miss me too much.

It's Official

2005-10-03T06:38:00.000-07:00

A while ago, I posted How d'you like them apples. It was a post which simply listed anything to do with Brighton.

Only X was clever enough to guess what the post was about, but even the boy genius couldn't guess why.

The simple reason for this post is that me and Super Lisa (Some of you might know as Thistle Bright) are moving away from the sleepy little village in Hampshire down to Brighton.

Super Lisa already has a job in Eastbourne and so will be moving down in a couple of weeks whereas I am still to obtain employment on the Coast.

Anyway, on Saturday I told my current employers that I was leaving but that unless a stonking job came up in Brighton I would be staying at Stan James for the next 3 or 4 months.

Because this helps them out (allows them time to train up my replacement) they have agreed to my proposal.

This is good because it buys me some time so that I can wait for the right job at the right wages to come out.

This is bad because myself and Super Lisa will see even less of each other over the coming months.

This is good coz I get to lodge with my good friend David Jones and do some University type blokey things.

This is bad coz because I'll miss not living with my girlfriend.

This is good coz I'll still be being paid a good wage.

This is bad coz I wanna be back on the coast.

This is good coz there is now light at the end of the tunnel. Soon I won't have to work late nights or weekends.

This is bad coz I'm leaving a job I love and I know a lot about.

This is good coz there's now light at the end of the tunnel.

This is great coz I'll be starting a new and hopefully exciting career.

So, the reason for this post is threefold.

1. To get my fellow bloggers off my back by actually posting for once.

2. To let my faithful following (27 at last count) know about the changes in my life.

3. To advertise the fact that I need a job down on the Coast so that if anyone reading this who knows a man who can or who has any bright ideas as to how I'm gonna get a job which pays me £18000+.

Although I've enjoyed my time at gambling school and have learned how not to lose money, I just can't wait to leave for the bright lights of London on Sea.

Let it be soon , let it be soon.

HT/FT. That's where the money is

2005-09-30T10:31:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know it has been a long time since I last posted. I just haven't had anything to say for myself recently.

There's a lot going on in my life at the moment but most of that I don't really wanna talk about yet.

This post is dedicated to the astounding piece of luck I had on Wednesday.

I recently opened an account with Betfair. For all you people who aren't aware of what this is, Betfair is a betting exchange where individual people act as as the bookmaker.

For example, an individual may offer 18/1 that Birmingham beat Arsenal this weekend, whereas the biggest price you would get at a bookmaker maybe 12/1.

Anyway, this week I placed a bet on the Porto V Artmedia match in the Champions League.

I bet £2 on Porto to be winning at Half time and Artmedia to go on to win the match.

Porto were leading 2-1 at HT but Artmedia won the match 3-2.

I feel very sorry for the person who laid me 370/1 and lost £740, but the again it was a stupid price.

One final note.

If you have a good win, don't tell your woman.

If you do, you'll regret it.

Hacker Or Hacker, that is the question.

2005-08-25T06:46:00.000-07:00

My friend at work sent me this game.

All you've got to decide is whether the photo is of a hacker or a hacker.

7 out of 10 seems to be the average score.

Oi, everyone! Meric's a fuckin Rock Star!

2005-08-22T10:46:00.000-07:00

Got an update from Friends Reunited a few days ago. One of those updates was from the legendary Meric Pine.

I went to Twynham school in Xchurch and Brockenhurst college in the New Forest with this lad.

He was one crazy fucker back then.

Anyway, I read that he was the drummer in a band called The Red Hand band who had played at Glastonbury and Berlin in recent times.

You know how there was always some people at school that for some reason stood out from the crowd. You know, the sort of person who you thought was destined for much bigger and better stuff.

Enter Meric.

There is many a folklore tale about this kid in the Christchurch area. Maybe they were true and maybe they were shit.

Whatever, this kid always entertained me back then. Him and his side kick mersh.

If you get a chance. Go see them. They are playing at the Bull and Gate in Kentish town on 10th sept.

Not quite sure how they'll sound but I'm sure I've heard of them.

Must have named themselves after that cult kids show back in the 80's. The Red hand gang

Joketastic

2005-08-18T05:59:00.000-07:00

Patient - "Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pig".

Doctor - "Really , how long have you been feeling like that"

Patient - "About a wheeeeek".

Again courtesy of Andy Potter.

How d'you like them apples

2005-07-26T05:09:00.000-07:00

Rock
and Hove albion
Beach
Pavillion
Rock (The book this time)
Racecourse
Bears
Promenade
Evening Argus
Lanes
Gay scene
Ontario (Ooops, that's Canada)
Dome
Belgian beer festival
Pier(s)
Music festival

Can you guess where it is yet?

I was so wrong

2005-07-23T15:01:00.000-07:00

When I was at University of Greenwich, I lived with a greek guy called giorgos (hope I spelt that right).
He's a great bloke (yeah of course he's lazy) but he is into his conspiracies.

About 4 or so years ago me and him had a small disagreement about the way the world was going.

I was of the opinion that the world in which we lived was becoming more tolerant and a safer place.

He couldn't believe what I was saying , warning me of 10 years of hell which would end in a sort of final battle.

I dismissed this out of hand.

Where did it all go wrong?

I trully believed that we were going in the right direction and that the increased understanding between the different cultures and religions of this planet could only lead to peace and harmony.

It never entered into my head that all of this would happen.

So george was right.

I just hope that he was only partly right.

Purely Factual

2005-07-19T08:45:00.000-07:00

John Tyndall , founder member of the BNP was found dead at his home in Hove.

Sussex police say that there were no suspicious circumstances surrounding his death.

Human Spirit

2005-07-16T06:14:00.000-07:00

The following website is probably old hat to some of you internet people but if you're not aware of it go to this site.

If you ever need an example of the human spirit in the face of extreme adversity you need look no further.

Set up by some English bloke , just hours after the London Bombings this website features hundreds of photos from people around the world all of which contain the basic but profound statement.

WE ARE NOT AFRAID.

A Sad Day

2005-07-07T12:11:00.000-07:00

We all knew it was coming but it was still a shock.

The only friend i know who was in London at the time is unhurt which is great.

Others were not so lucky.

A sad day.

Bob

2005-07-03T06:16:00.000-07:00

I don't really get the Arts coz I'm more of a sport lover, but every now and again something attracts my attention.

For example , I totally love The Scream by Edvard Munch and Fur Elise by Beethoven.

I'm also a massive fan of Kiplings "If" since Des Lynams astonishing recital to clips of the 1998 World Cup.

But apart from that , arty farty stuff rarely floats my boat.

Recently though, my friend from work, David What a cool suname Jones, sent me a link from the Winners Gallery of the 2005 World Press photo of the year comp.

You can see all photos here.

There are some absolute crackers.

Many reflect political matters and human suffering from around the globe but my favourite one can be found by clicking on 2005 Gallery winners in the middle grey area at the bottom, and then by going to the swimming photo bottom left. (Sorry it's so complicated but the original link doesn't seem to work).

Reminds me of that crap "what do you call a man" joke.

What's up Doc?

2005-06-30T09:23:00.000-07:00

A recent post by kate had a link to some London e-mail to email thing.

On it was a link to some piss take album which apparently has sold out or something (mainly coz its so good).

Even though , I'm probably way behind the times I thought it deserved some attention for all you people who have speakers and like myself need a little entertainment at work.

A mate of mind sent me this link months ago. I'd forgotten about it until today.

Apparently, it was composed by a couple of doctors who became disgruntled at their profession.

Anyway, hope you like it.

Ndcowutno

2005-06-26T14:57:00.000-07:00

Richard Whiteley has died today at the age of 61.

Like many ex students, he was a big part of my life (Him and William G) for many years.

He will be sorely missed.

The River Barron

2005-06-26T10:13:00.000-07:00

As we all know , poker popularity is growing and is slowly but surely turning into a world wide monster.

If you've got sky or cable , it is perfectly possible to watch poker tournaments 24/7 until the end of time.

Although I don't play, I do find myself getting incredibly excited when someone has gone all in needing the queen of diamonds on the river and getting it. It's theatre of the nth dgree.

My mate at work (Robber stabber barron) is at Uni at Loughbrough. He loves his beer and he loves his betting.
He's also quite useful at Texas Hold'em as you can see from the following link.

As a result of his Uni success, he went down to The Big Smoke to compete with the big boys.
Sadly, he didn't fair quite so well and was knocked out early on in the proceedings after goung all in and getting called.

Never mind Rob.

You're still my pokerman.

Are you taking the piss too?

2005-06-21T07:13:00.000-07:00

Get it, its like Look who's talking and Look who's talking too or 2. Depending on whether you mean aswell or sequel.

Anyway, the reason this post is entitled Are you taking the piss too is coz Maurice knows perfectly well that I can't read books.
They bore me , you see.
Anyway, I think I've outdone myself this time with the following:

1. Number of books I own.
I think its about 30. Most I haven't read and never will read.

2. Last book I bought.
I think the last book I bought was Wuthering heights about 8 years ago. It seemed to go very well with being an Ice-cream man at Bournemouth Pier. It did, the ladies loved it and curiously, so did I.

3. Last book I read.
The last book I read was Sallingers masterpiece , Catcher in the rye.I always wanted to read this coz it was apparently the book that Mark Chapman was reading when he shot the man Lennon. An odd reason I know, but I figure any reason thats gets me reading novels rather than The Sun can only be a good thing.

4. Five books that mean a lot to me
This one is gonna be a close call.
a) The Republic (Plato). This was a great book. I don't think it was supposed to be funny, but it made me LOL.

b) Wuthering Heights. Please See above.

c) Catcher in the Rye. This means a lot to me coz it stopped me going crazy when I was working for Ladbrokes in South West London.Why don't these idiots realise that people only gamble when they've got no money.Who the fuck needs to gamble in Richmond upon Thames. Morons!

d) Chariots of the Gods (Eric Von Danniken)
My Greek mate Jorg (who loves his conspiracies and who is now in the Green Army doing National Service. Ha Ha, he's so unfit and lazy he'll never make it out alive) told me to read this. It is a good read and there are some interesting theories in it. Course, its all shit, but nice shit (Cool!! My first Oxymoron of the day).

e) Uhmm, Err, Two Kill a Mockingbird. Harper Lee (didn't even have to look that up on google or anything. God Bless you William G). I read it for GCSE. Got an A grade for my essay. How good was I?

Not good. Not good at all.

Jamie Redknapp

2005-06-19T04:43:00.000-07:00

Jamie has today announced his retirement from football due to a persistent knee injury.

Those who know me , also know that I was in the same year as Jamie at school although I rarely took classes with him as he was in a lower band.

As the years have gone on I've realised that although Jamie is not the sharpest tool in the box, he does appear to be more intelligent than I originally thought.
He is a regular pundit for the BBC and is one of the few footballers who manage to talk about our game without including a football cliche every other word.

At the end of the day , he speaks more intelligently than I ever imagined he would, despite his academic background.

In all honesty , I shouldn't be surprised that he didn't really achieve anything at school. (I hope I'm not doing him a disservice)
Everybody knew he was Harry's son and that all he wanted to do was play the beautiful game for a living.

I remember watching Jamie (or Redders as we used to call him) flicking a ball up and down in the corridor when he should have been in lessons. Nobody cared about his education. Why should they? ( Hold on one moment, they should care, it's their job)

I believe the consequences of this were that he was never really given a chance to achieve anything in academia.

I'm not saying he could have worked for a bookmaker or anything super intelligent like that, but I do think he could have done better than he did.

Anyway, me and him didn't really get on at school.
I'd like to say that it was because we were both very good at sport , so I will , coz we were.

I didn't make it and he did.

At one stage in his career , it looked like he may actually become one of the Great Playmakers.
I thought he was that good! (without bias)

I suppose my only criticism would be that he always wanted to play safe and therefore played a few too many square balls for my liking.
That was a pity, coz I know he had the ability to play the little diagonal balls which can unlock tight defences.

Still , he managed to play several times for his country and scored an absolute screamer in a friendly against Belgium (I think) in addition to being Liverpool club captain and spokesman for many years.

Unfortunately, due to constant injuries, he never managed to reach the heights I thought he might. I'm sorry about that, I really am.

But lets be honest, it's not all bad news.

He's got a beautiful wife (I hope he doesn't mind me saying that. He shouldn't do. She is) and he looks like he's going to have a very successful career ahead of him talking about football all day.

Mmmmm Football.

Are you taking the piss?

2005-06-15T06:05:00.000-07:00

I decided to put my name in Google t'other day when I was bored at work.

Google came up with various references including this one.

I don't know who this guy thinks he is, but he wants to have a pretty damn good lawyer or know some hard arse friends.

I don't mind telling you that I'm pissed off about this.

I'm sure he's a stand up kinda guy who likes his M n M's but to claim he is the real grant jones is a bit cheeky.

Who'd have thought he'd be so slick

2005-06-12T04:02:00.000-07:00

Got some great news yesterday.
My friends Cath and Mark are getting married in the Summer of 07.
These two have been together since the early days of Greenwich Uni and are a match made in South London.
Now, I'm not a great believer in the Big M but I do appreciate the romance which surrounds it.
Particularly when the proposal instigator is so incredibly slick.

Mark and Cath had been out for a nice meal and had decided to go for a post dinner wander through the park.

Suddenly, Mark got down on one knee and popped the question.

Cath said yes, but within seconds Mark was on his mobile.

"Ok Boys , Hit it"

No sooner had those words left his lips, Fireworks were set off behind them by our friends Ben and Stuart.

How classy is that?

Play Me

2005-06-08T05:39:00.000-07:00

Yet another great but incredibly frustrating game has come to my attention.
It'll drive you mad but with a little persistence you will get there.

But he's still shit , right?

2005-05-26T08:28:00.000-07:00

As many other people have said in the last 24 hours, I've never seen anything like the Champions League final last night.

If you didn't see the final or you hate football, I pity you. I really do.

It was one of the most amazing sporting spectacles ever , but what made it all the more amazing was how ironic it all was.
I mean, when was the last time you saw an Italian team concede 3 goals in 45 mins let alone 6 minutes.
Secondly, Smicer scored for the scousers. How often has that happened?

And finally, that crock of shit Polish Goalkeeper (Jerzy Dudek) made the most amazing double save that I've ever seen and saved two crucial penalties in the shootout.

At the end of the match he was so incredibly happy.
I'm delighted for him.
He could be the worst goalkeeper in the history of goalkeepers for the rest of his career and it wouldn't matter.

But as I said in the title, he is shit , right.

Super Birthday

2005-05-24T05:10:00.000-07:00

Today is Super Lisa's birthday.
She is now 28, which probably means i've known her (not in the biblical sense) for nearly 10 years.
I've enjoyed every minute of it.

Happy Birthday Darling.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

How stupid do they think we are?

2005-05-22T11:04:00.000-07:00

I was reading the Sun a while back. Don't worry, I don't buy it , I just read it if its knocking about the office.
A friend of mine (not like Donny Brasco is a friend of mine) showed me this website which the sun had highlighted as "magic".
He was astonished at how the site seemed to be able to read your mind and show you the symbol which corresponded with the number you were thinking of.

At least 5 million of our population read this "newspaper" and some actually vote for whoever the paper supports.

If you want, click on this link.
See how long it takes you to work out how it works.

P.S. Many of those sun readers still think its magic. Please say you don't.

And she didn't even say goodbye!

2005-05-19T07:27:00.000-07:00

Where are you Biiitch, we used to have so much fun, you drive me crazy, somebody tell me where she's gone.

Maybe she went back to Marakesh.

Whatever, she gone now.

27 Fucking years

2005-05-15T11:00:00.000-07:00

Not many people visit this site, so its probably safe that i won't offend any scummer fan.

Most people who know me will tell you that apart from loving west ham and crewe alex, my main football dream was to see the dirty fuckin scummers relegated from the top flight.

So many times have my hopes been dashed in recent years as they have managed to regularly stay up on the last day of the season. Fuckers.

I have waited 27 years for this moment (since i was 5 years old).
I thought that it might be a bit of an anti climax when it did eventually happen.

Not a bit of it.

Byyyeeee scummers. Enjoy getting beat at fortress Gresty Road next year.

But i'm still not content.
I won't be truly happy until they get relegated to the Beazer fuckin homes 25th division and go financially bust.

I know this is a bit conspiracy , but maybe Harry faked a fall out with milan and purposefully took them down. And with his son on board too.

Laugh, I nearly shat myself.

Time at the bar gentlemen please

2005-05-11T11:26:00.000-07:00

Hope you like this link

Super Dario Land

2005-05-10T08:45:00.000-07:00

So anyway, it's Half Time in the last game of the Coca Cola Championship season.
My boys are 1-0 down at home to Coventry with ex alex legend Dele Adebola coming back to haunt us.
Things didn't look good. We had to win our last game and hope that Brighton lost to Ipswich or Gillingham didn't beat already relegated Nottingham Forest.
Effectively it wasn't in our hands, but I did think that if we could somehow win, either Forest or Ipswich would do us a favour.
The problem was, we hadn't won since our New Years day defeat of the mighty Leeds. That's 20 games for all you beautiful game dodgers.

I thought we were gone but my Dad had a strange feeling things would change.
Although I trust my Dads opinion when it comes to football (it was his fault that I love football so much and why I follow The Alex) my bookmaker head made us massive favs for the drop.

In the 54th minute our luck began to change when Higdon found the Coventry net from about 10 yards.
Sadly by the 61st min Notts Forest defender Andy Melville had put thru his own net to make it Forest 1 : 1 Gillingham. At this point we were still going down.
In the 72nd minute varney crossed for Steve Jones to tap in from 2 yards.
Fuck me, we're winning!!! and as it stands we're safe.
COME ON FOREST, COME ON IPSWICH (Sorry Andy).

77th min FUCK IT, Gillingham have scored. We're going down.

85th min Bopp scores for Forest. YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

90 mins. We escape the drop by one goal.

My Dad the soothsayer.
Arise Sir Dario.

Talk about the living dead

2005-04-29T06:06:00.000-07:00

I recently read a post from X on sleep deprivation.
As much as I feel pity for the lad, I couldn't help thinking that he doesn't know how good he's got it.
I only say this coz of a report I heard about a year ago. It sounds unbelievable but if true , at the very least, challenges our whole understanding of the functions of sleep.
How bored is she?
I'm thinking about giving her a call on behalf of my employers.
At least then she'll be able to entertain herself by having a bet on the Yankees to beat the Red Sox at 3am (Eternal).

Blah Blah Blah

2005-04-25T09:03:00.000-07:00

Apart from X, nobody seems to update their blogs lately.
Where are you all and why am I the only saddo still to be writing stuff?

Come back , for **** sake. I'm bored.

After all, a blog is for life, not just for when you feel like it.

God, I feel sick 2

2005-04-21T07:22:00.000-07:00

Every childs worst nightmare happened to this young fella.

He will never recover. How can you?

God, I feel sick

2005-04-18T06:25:00.000-07:00

You maybe surprised to hear this, but I have never met anyone who is comfortable at the thought of their parents having sex.
The usual response is "the squirm".
I'm no different, so I was a little repulsed when a friend of mine asked me when I was conceived.
Instantly my mind created a ma riding pa image in full technicolour and surround sound.

"Ew" I said. "Why do you wanna know that?"
"Just tell me" said my friend.

I reluctantly told him and was quickly informed that the British number 1 at the time of my conception was "Puppy Love" sung by Donny Osmond.

You can probably imagine how I felt at that moment.
There are some things in this life that you shouldn't know.
In my opinion , this was one of them.

However, if you feel you need to know which tragic one hit wonder your parents were likely shagging too when your little self was created, be my guest.

Just don't come running to me when you learn that your folks created you during a wild session listening to Joe Dolce's "Shut up ya face"!

Always the last to know.

2005-04-15T04:07:00.000-07:00

When I was about 19 , I went to Crewe and Alsager College to study P.E. teaching (I still can't believe that).
I was a little homophobic at that time.
Well to be perfectly honest , being a very late starter and having no real opinions of my own, I shared my friends mentality.
I didn't realise that C and A college had more gay students per person than any other University in the Country. It was kinda like an intellectual Brighton.
As the months went by , I kept finding out that people I knew were gay.
Finally , when I found out that my good friend Sandra (not her real name) was gay it sunk into my neanderthal skull that it simply didn't matter.
Anyway, I returned back to sunny Bournemouth a changed man (Actually in hindsight just a man).
One night , myself and my two good friends were playing some stupid drinking game. Out of the blue my best mate darren asked "so are you gay or what?"
I was so taken aback that I didn't answer immediately. I sat down on the floor, wondering how to answer. I knew the answer was that I was straight but didn't feel that I wanted to tell them.
Of course, this reaction to the question almost confirmed there suspicions.
Eventually, I got up and told them that I was straight.
I thought that was the end of it, but as the months and years went by , it became blatantly obvious that most of my friends had always believed that I was gay.
My problem is simple.

1. I refuse to play the male bullshit games which mean I can't say when I think a bloke in a pub is good looking (I notice out of pure jealousy usually).

2. If you were to ask me who the best looking woman I have ever seen is, I couldn't tell you. I mean, there are so many of them with a plethora (I think that is a more impressive word than myriad) of attractive qualities. (Actually recently I realised that its Keira Knightley, rightly or wrongly).
However, I know that Johnny Depp is without doubt the best looking bloke ever.

3. I'm not exactly the most masculine bloke in the world.

None of this bothered me until I took this test yesterday.

Even when my good friend Kath said I was gay for not making it last weekend (My car was broken) I wasn't bothered.

My question is simple, why didn't anybody tell me?

If music be the food of love, play on

2005-04-07T06:53:00.000-07:00

The internet , as we all know , is a wonderful tool for so many things.
We can find holidays, who uttered famous phrases and even place bets.
Sadly, there are many not so useful/tasteful uses for the internet. We know about these too.

When a friend of mine send me this magical link I didn't know if I liked it or hated it.

A few weeks on , I love it. It's the purest form of musical talent available anywhere today.

Turn up to volume 10 and just be happy.

King Crimson

2005-04-03T04:50:00.000-07:00

Play this game if you want. Apparently the boys at FHM magazine spent 48 hours trying to get out of that room. It took me 3 hours on a very boring day at work.
Now I know I'm no genius so those guys must be real Joeys.
Anyway, you will get stuck and you will lose the will to live but you will escape.
Oh , BTW (I know what that means now). Thanku to Rich for enhancing my blogging skills on this post.
Enjoy or Hate.

Cold Baked Beans

2005-03-28T03:15:00.000-08:00

Went to my mate Billy Bowketts wedding at the weekend.
If you remember from a previous post, this was one of my friends at Crewe and Alsager College. I hadn't seen or heard from him for about 11 years when out of the blue he said he was getting married and did I want to go.
Of course I did , so me and Super Lisa booked ourselves a B and B and went along to some golf course in Sutton Coldfield.
We met two other old friends from the C and A era. Graham Gozzy Gosden from the Island (I.O.W) and Lisa Binks (Scouse gal).
As you can imagine we talked about ole times for a while. At one point I asked Binksy to describe me in three words.
Binksys reply left me with my jaw wide wide open.
"Tart , Loud , Obnoxious" she said.

When she saw my face she changed it and said "cold baked beans".

In hindsight I preferred the former description.

Anyway, we drank loads and danced to some great old tunes. You know, early 80's and Indie.

Suffice to say , me and Lisa had a great night. Lisa enjoyed meeting the infamous Matt and Graham and Lisa. It all felt a bit weird but it was nice to meet Binksys Simon , Gozzys Loretta (Hope I spelt that right) and Matts Leanne.

And at the end of the night , I was first the worst, Graham was second the best and matt did actually have a hairy chest.

Chest...... Chest

Hope to see you all again soon.

Where the Fuck has my bag gone?

2005-03-25T03:57:00.000-08:00

Me and Super Lisa had a great time in Prague.
We drank much beer, saw the sights and I lost one of my bags.
Two things of note stood out from our five days.
1. I popped my Opera cherry- Went to see La Traviatta. I now know why Frasier and Niles get so passionate about it.
2. Super Lisa ate Czech - I now know why I've never heard of a Czech restaurant in England.
But I won't go into this now as she will probably want to tell the story herself.

Good to be back in Blogland

Another great jape

2005-03-10T12:43:00.000-08:00

Heard this joke today. I liked it.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

(its a real treat)

(a masterpiece)

(wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

I'm going on my hols on Monday with super lisa for a week , so i won't be about.
I'll be in Prague, so if anyone wants me to bring them back a stick of rock, speak now or you'll get nowt.

Thats faster than my Volvo!

2005-03-03T09:26:00.000-08:00

Sport is a funny thing.
Many people love it and many people hate it.
It's always on T.V. (especially the beautiful game).
I love sport and I want everyone I meet to love it too. If they don't like sport, I try pathetic attempts to convert them.
Whether it's because my methods are shit is irrelevant. They always pull the same face.
I can handle that they don't like sport. Really , it's Ok.
What I really hate is when people say that Rugby is a better game/more skilllful game than Football.
IDIOTS.
Anyway, I'm often in total awe of sportsmen and women. The shit they have to go through in order to reach the top.
There are two sports stories which always get me.

1. A kenyan Olympic Gold medallist told how his whole family was dead by the time he was 12.
His only possesion in the world was his goat. He walked with his goat to the nearest town and sold it. With the money he bought an old pair of running shoes. You know the rest.

2. A Colombian tour de france stage winner(cycling for all you sport dodgers) told how his father died when he was very young. He became the only bread winner for his family of 6.
He saved up every penny (or whatever the currency is in Colombia. Don't answer that. It's too easy) to buy a bike. Again , you know the rest.

I love this shit.

I remember Eddie the Eagle Edwards being ridiculed for competing in the Ski jumping at the Winter Olympics a number of years ago.
I also ridiculed him.
I'm sorry Eddie. I didn't know that you and your fellow ski jumpers accelerated to 60 mph in 5 seconds.
You brave , brave Eagle.

Solomons Choice

2005-02-25T09:12:00.000-08:00

I've recently been told that I don't have to work until 1 in the morning anymore, so my late night T.V viewing is about to come to an end. Thank God.

However, last night I was watching a rerun of the last instalment of Channel 4's Bollywood Star.
For anyone who is unaware of this comp, there were a 1000 people who entered hoping to be the one picked to star in a Bollywood film directed by Mahesh Bhatt.

Last night, there were 4 left. Some crap but pretty indian woman, a good looking but cocky indian bloke(Ricky) , a very large indian woman called Rupak(apparently she had put on a huge amount of weight since her mother killed herself 3 years ago) and an English girl called Heidi who doesn't speak Hindi.

The pretty Indian girl couldn't act for shit and was a real troublemaker/prima donna so didn't make it to the last 3.
That left Pretty Boy , fat woman(I'm not being nasty. She just was) and white girl.
You could tell that Ricky thought he had it in the bag.
Of course he thought that. I mean, who did he have to beat.

The final task was an individual interview with the Director.
First one in was Heidi. She did alright but how could she win?
Second in was Ricky. He did well and was convinced that Mahesh liked him.
Finally, Rupak went in.
She said that her mother had told her everything would be OK in a dream (and asked her to stop smoking) and cried for the duration of the interview.

So, who won?
Well, all 3 were called in to find out who was gonna be a big Bollywood star.
They sat on a couch facing Mahesh.
Heidi white face on the left, Ricky I'm Great in the middle and Rupak large lady on the right.
It was already quite exciting as I anticipated Mahesh's anouncement.

But then Mahesh did something really quite odd under the circumstances.
He asked for the person who thought they had won to raise their hand!
Initially there was silence as the 3 of them sat there dumstruck.
Finally though, Rupak put her hand up and said "I think I have won, I don't neccesarily mean this competition, I mean I've won by just being here today. Everybody laughed at me and I've proved them wrong just being here. So yes, I've won".

Mahesh thought for a minute (he was probably trying to prevent his lunch projecting from his mouth) leaned forward and grabbed hold of Rupaks hands.
He said "so you think you've won do you Rupak?"
"Yes" she said.
"Well........... You have".

King Solomon couldn't have made a better choice and he certainly couldn't have improved upon Mahesh's method.

Brilliant T.V.

Computer Moron

2005-02-20T16:55:00.000-08:00

AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhH.
Why am i such a computer retard?
They hate me , they hate me, they hate me.
All I wanted to do was translate my Blog to Russian. But oh no, could I do it?
Bollox.
But Thanx X.

Windy Shitty

2005-02-20T10:39:00.000-08:00

Last night was my Musical debut. No, I don't play in a band. I went to see Chicago in the big smoke with Super Lisa , Richard and Maurice.
Being a major sport fan, I found it quite difficult to really get into the whole "all that jazz" scene.
It's not that I disliked it. I just don't understand it. It simply does nothing for me.
However, I have decided that if the opportunity arises again in the future that I will go again.
The reason for this is two fold.
1. I don't want to be one of those guys who has nothing to say when the topic of conversation leaves sport.
2. When I first watched football I probably didn't understand that either, but over the years it has slowly entered my bloodstream meaning that I find it hard to imagine my world without it.

So maybe, if I keep at it, I might find myself gagging to see the new Scissor Sisters musical in a few years.
I reserve judgement.

Late night T.V.

2005-02-18T09:34:00.000-08:00

I was watching late night T.V recently(again). I was watching a soap opera for the deaf called Switch.
I don't like soaps much, mainly coz they're shit but this one is great.
There is real emotion and passion right thru this show and believe me when I tell you that there is also real suspense while you await to see what the married woman signs to her lover.

On another topic, I was watching Antiques Roadshow t'other night. As a kid I hated this show but it's actually alright. My mate Rich told me once that some Levellers looking bloke walked in with two sacks of crockery, got his stuff valued at about 1 and a half mill, shoved them back in his sacks and walked out again.
My A.R. story isn't quite as good as that.

Some old lady was showing off some painting of an upper class woman holding a dog.
The expert asked "who is the woman in the picture"?
Old lady: She killed my Mums Dog
Expert: What do you mean (Stupid question I know)
Old lady: My mother was walking her dog in Kensington when a horse and cart ran the dog over.
Expert : Oh dear.
Old Lady : Yes, the woman got out of her cart and was very sorry for what had happened. She said that she would compensate my mother.
Expert : Oh, well that was nice of her
Old Lady : Well, not really. She sent my Mum this picture of her holding her own fit and well dog as a present.
Expert : Ha Ha, but she meant well.
Old Lady : But she killed my Mums dog

Hawkesy and Me ( Chez Shed )

2005-02-15T15:06:00.000-08:00

The Hawkesy was only open from late April until early October each year. It wasn't worth opening for longer coz there were no Grockles.
It had about 10 bedrooms and so was a very small hotel. This was fine in close season because us kids (Me, Philippa , Hugh , Elizabeth and Harriet) got to choose which room we wanted and
most of them were of a reasonable size and had there own en suite bathroom.
Unfortunately, as soon as we were fully booked, us kids had to bunk in together in one room. Well not all of us.
I got to sleep in the Shed in the garden. This shed contained my bed , a T.V. and two massive freezers.
At night , sleep wasn't easy to come by coz those freezers made the most incredible noise, and if I did manage to count enough sheep I'd invariably be woken up in the middle of the night sweating like a bastard (two freezers chuck out a shit load of heat).
One particular night I remember getting up to go piss in the garden but as I walked to the door I felt something squelch between my toes. I turned on the light and saw to my horror a yellow slug stuck to the bottom of my foot. Ew!
But it wasn't all bad. I got to bring back any woman I wanted and my parents didn't mind.
Yeah, like that was ever gonna happen.

My Best Friend

2005-02-15T07:22:00.000-08:00

Watched the double bill of Joey on Sunday night on Channel 5.
Now, I don't know how much C5 paid for this series but despite my initial reservations, it was worth every penny.
I didn't think it was going to be funny at all. In fact, I thought I'd hate it.
How wrong can you be?
It's not as funny as Friends at the moment but it makes me giggle (not like a girl) coz its the same old Joey.
Early on in Friends my fav character was Chandler and having watched a load of the early episodes on DVD lately it seems clear to me that his character carried the show. Without him, their would have been no 2nd Series let alone 10.
However, in the later series, Joey became my clear Fav although I'm still unsure why.
Anyway, watch the new series of Joey. It's not the funniest thing you'll ever see but it does the job.

I Love VD

2005-02-14T03:55:00.000-08:00

I love Super Lisa coz she is great.
I love Super Lisa but not Love hate.
I love Super Lisa , coz she loves the Tate.
I love Super Lisa, we were fate.
I love Super Lisa she's my mate.
I love Super Lisa, she's the perfect weight.
I love Super Lisa , I'll be home at 9

Who's idea was that?

2005-02-11T04:23:00.000-08:00

Had a day off yesterday.
As usual, I watched Richard and Judy while I awaited the return of Super Lisa.
Now, one of my favourite parts of that show is the infamous You say, We pay.
This quiz is great for two things.
1. The contestants are more stupid than you get on Chris Moyles Car Park Catchphrase(God I love that feature).

2. Richard gets all the answers because Judy is stupid (O.K. maybe her intelligence has diminished with age/alcohol abuse).

Yesterday, Richard and Judy had Tony Blair on the show. While I was thinking about the pros and cons of our PMs appearance on the show, You say We pay began.
I couldn't quite believe my eyes as good ole Tony took Richards place in the guessing chair.
So here we have a stupid contestant, a stupid presenter and Tony all trying to win the contestant some money.
As most of you will probably know, this quiz is piss easy (no really, it is) so I was quite horrified when I saw our PM staring completely blank at the screen not knowing anything and probably not thinking anything either.
It got so bad that Judy (remember she's stupid) had to tell Tony the answers so that he didn't look like an idiot.
Good effort Judy but all you did was make matters worse.
I mean, you know things are bad when Judy knows the answers before you do!

What do you call a Rabbit with a bent dick?

2005-02-08T11:37:00.000-08:00

Fucks Funny.

No thanks, I'll pass.

2005-02-08T08:22:00.000-08:00

I had yet another 1-1 shift yesterday and without stating the obvious, it's a pretty shitty shift to work.
However, there is one good side to these hours. I get to watch the learning zone and various nature programmes on BBC late at night, which I would otherwise most likely miss.
Last night I was watching some Adventurer bloke hanging out with the forest people of Gabon.
Now, I appreciate that to fully experience a peoples culture, you must first live as they do from day to day and experience everything they do.
Unfortunately, in order for him to be trully recognised by these people, he first had to undergo an initiation.
I've seen many a young jock forced to do some crazy initiation shit in my time at C and A college but quite frankly that was kids play in comparison to this.
This bloke was fed Iboga leaf for a couple of hours (before which he had to sign a waiver in case of death or madness) which is supposed to produce some hallucinegenic trip.
After about 6 hours he suddenly started to vomit some yellow shit. This seemed to go on for ages. At one time he thought he was going to Kark it. It felt like his blood was boiling but the tribe elders kept feeding him these leaves for hours until his gag reflex prevented the consumption of anymore.
The next hours consisted of more vomitting, more leaf consumption and more vomitting until the elders had decided he'd had enough.
At this point, the hallucinations started to kick in. Imagine all your past wrongdoings which you've buried deep in your subconscious coming back to haunt you for hours on end and apparently you're somewhere near the ball park.
Just looking at his eyes told you that he was somewhere else in the Universe as the locals crowded around him and patted him on the head.
He said that in the past year he has thought about that trip everyday and that his "rebirth" was the most profound experience of his life.
As much as I'd like to face some of my demons and become a better man for it, I think I'll pass thanx.

Different Gravy

2005-02-06T10:34:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry if I go on about football too much. I can't help it.
Anyway, a good friend of mine sent me this footage. Thankyou David, I've never seen anything like it.
Just sit back and enjoy. http://modifiedliving.com/soccerphenom.htm